That is the End of the News

Lyrics

We're told very loudly and often To lift up our hearts We're told that good humour will soften Fate's cruellest darts So however bad our domestic troubles may be We just shake with amusement and sing with glee Hey-ho, Mum's had those pains again Granny's in bed with her varicose veins again Everyone's gay because dear Cousin Florrie Was run down on Saturday night by a lorry We're so glad that Elsie's miscarriage Occurred on the Wednesday after her marriage When Albert fell down all the steps of the town hall And got three bad cuts and a bruise We're delighted to be able to say We're unable to pay off our debts We're excited because Percy's got mange And we've run up a bill at the vet's Three cheers! Ernie's got boils again Everything's covered in ointments and oils again Now he's had seven, so God's in his heaven And that is the end of the news Hey-ho, everything's fearful We do wish that Vi was a little more cheerful The only result of her last operation Has been gales of wind at the least provocation Don't laugh, poor Mrs Mason Was washing some smalls in the lavatory basin When that old corroded gas heater exploded And blew her smack into the mews We're in clover. Uncle George is in clink For refusing to work for the war Now it's over, Auntie Maud seems to think He'll be much better placed than before What fun! Dear little Sidney Produced a spectacular stone in his kidney He's had eleven, so God's in his heaven And that is the end of the news Hey-ho, what a catastrophe Grandfather's brain is beginning to atrophy Last Sunday night after eating an apple He made a rude noise in the Methodist chapel Good egg! Dear little Doris Has just been expelled for assaulting Miss Morris And both of her sisters are covered in blisters From standing about in the queues We've been done in by the mortgage foreclosure And Father went out on a blind He got run in for indecent exposure And ever so heavily fined Hey-ho, hey diddle diddle Aunt Isabel's shingles have met in the middle She's buried in Devon, so God's in his heaven And that is the end of the news