Lyrics

[PETER SKELLERN as SEPTIMUS MEEK] [Preamble (addressing God)] If this is one of your little jokes It's fallen incredibly flat I'd like to point out between us blokes That life isn't funny like that Your talent for pain and love and joy Is something I've always admired And you're not unfunny. But oh, boy Your timing leaves a lot to be desired [Verse] Plagues and famine I've been taught to handle in my stride With the daily round of sin and degradation After years of studying learnéd pastoral guides I now can deal with any situation Family feuds, unemployment, cattle stuck in ditches Psychedelia, haemophilia, nakednеss, and witches But nothing in my years of preaching hath prеparéd me For this unexpected visitation from the BBC [Verse] Ancient curses, open tombs, and headless apparitions I'm called upon to daily exorcise Pillars of the parish in embarrassing positions Discovered in conservatories with other people's wives Spinsters locked in lavatories and boys with nasty habits Unmarried mothers who, though chastised, contrive to breed like rabbits But nothing can compare for shock, I'm sure you will agree Like this unexpected visitation from the BBC [Spoken dialogue] Good morning, Mrs Willowby [PEGGY ANN CLIFFORD as MRS WILLOWBY] Hello I'm in need of your soprano Oh, you'll want the sweet counter No, no, your voice Ooh, plenty of choice! No, no, I want you to sing for the BBC String and PVC? You want the hardware section No, no. Look You're getting awfully close to the hour of your judgment Which do you want? Up or down? Ooh, up! Be at the church at nine o'clock, and I'll put in a good word [Verse] I'm sure you see why she no longer is required to sing In Archibald McDonald's present choir Though she tries her level best, she cannot hear a thing And is usually a beat behind and several octaves higher But she's there at every service to lead the congregation Stoically behind them in triumphant variation And with a little bit of luck she'll hit a familiar key For this unexpected visitation from the BBC [Verse] My attempts to change this next one's ways, though in the course of duty Have been, I'm sad to say, to no avail God sent her here to test young men with her unhidden beauty A test they all continually fail Prudence? Prudence? Coo-ee? Are you there? [DEE ANDERSON as PRUDENCE] Come up, my dear No no, it's me We've an unexpected visitation from the BBC [Spoken dialogue] It were 'ot last night. Didn't you think so, Septimus? Yes, it was. I was wondering... I was sprawled on the cool sheets The BBC are coming this morning to hear the choir But they've gone on their strip Ooh? Grip Trip Would you come along at nine o'clock and sing for us? Sure, Seppy I'll just shower [Verse] Homemade jam from the WI, the vicar's little[?] wine The occasional trout or pheasant from the major Christmas pudding in a parcel from an aged aunt of mine And a bob each way at the point to point: my annual wager Camping with the Wolf Cubs, playing cricket on the green Morris men, and maypoles, and crown the village queen All is nicely ordered, just as it all should be Except for this unexpected visitation from the BBC