Never Was There a Girl So Fair

Lyrics

[FULTON] As the chairman of the committee I announce we've made our choice Every lover from Dubuque to Jersey City Should rejoice [COMMITTEE] We rejoice! When the angels up there designed her They designed a thoroughbred And on March the fourth the President will find her Worthy of his board and bed [FULTON, spoken] And now it thrills me to introduce the rarest of American beauties The future First Lady of the land A fit consort for the ruler of one hundred and twenty two million freeborn Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Devereaux [ENSEMBLE] How beautiful, beautiful, beautiful How utterly, utterly so The charming, the gracious, the dutiful Diana Devereaux [FULTON, spoken] The committee will now tell why she was chosen, with music [COMMITTEE] Never was there a girl so fair Never was there a form so rare [DEVEREAUX, spoken] Ah could throw mah arms right around your neck! [COMMITTEE] A voice so lyrical Is given few Her eyes a miracle Of Prussian blue Ruby lips and a foot so small As for hips—she has none at all [GILHOOLEY] Did you ever see such tootsies Or a more enticing limb? [LIPPMAN] And the ankles of her footsies Are so slim [LYONS] What a charming epiglottis What a lovely coat of tan Oh, the man who is not hot is Not a man! [ENSEMBLE] She's a bargain to whom she's wed More than worthy his board and bed [FULTON] Says the chairman of the committee Let the newsmen now come in For the sound reels you must look your best, my pretty Have the interviews begin [COMMITTEE] We shall go and bring them in [WINTERGREEN] Stop! No! Though this may be a blow I simply cannot marry Diana Devereaux [ENSEMBLE] What's this? What's this? He says he cannot marry Diana Devereaux [COMMITTEE] You mean you will not marry Diana Devereaux? [WINTERGREEN] Please understand It isn't that I would jilt or spurn her It's just that I love someone else [ENSEMBLE, spoken] Who? [WINTERGREEN, spoken] Whom [WINTERGREEN] Mary Turner [COMMITTEE] The man is mad Or else a cad He'll have to take her He can't forsake her [DEVEREAUX] This jilting me It cannot be This lousy action Calls for retraction [COMMITTEE] We must know why You should prefer Instead of Di A girl like her [ENSEMBLE] Yes, tell us why You should prefer Instead of Di A girl like her [WINTERGREEN] All that I can say of Mary Turner Is that I love Mary Turner [COMMITTEE] What's to be done? Though she has won Though she is signed up He's made his mind up His love he'd rather Give to the other What shall we do now? What is our cue now? [DEVEREAUX] He will do nothing of the sort First we'll settle this thing in court You seem to think Miss Turner hits the spot But what has she got that I haven't got? [ENSEMBLE] Yes, what has she got That she hasn't got? [WINTERGREEN] My Mary makes corn muffins Can you make corn muffins? [DEVEREAUX] I can't make corn muffins [ENSEMBLE] She can't make corn muffins