The Schmoze Song

Lyrics

Sidney, sweetie, baby, you're terrific! Oh, my other line is ringing; can you hold? Keanu, man, I flipped 'Cause I've got the perfect script And, believe me, you're the only one I've told Meryl, honey, darling, babe, I love ya! It's the perfect part; there's no way you can fail And that's 'cause you're the best You are way above the rest And I understand you used to work for scale Eisner! Michael, green light's right at fifty million We're talking Costner so we're shopping it around You know, the line's around the corner And they love it out at Warner You don't want to be the guy who turned it down You gotta do the schmooze Or else you'll wind up being yesterday's news You gotta schmooze 'em while you're talkin' PR From the phone in your car Be the guy who says that "I can make you a star!" You gotta learn to schmooze Tell everyone about your friend Tom Cruise And say you recommended Cher for a part You gave DeNiro his start And on The Simpsons you suggested that they call the kid Bart You did the meal; you closed the deal You made an offer that they couldn't refuse And that's the way that you schmooze! Hey, I think I can do that! Be my guest! Martin Scorcese on Line Three! Marty, babe, I've got this script; you'll love it! It's a story no one else has ever had You see, it comes from Hollywood It's about a guy who's good And he has to fight another guy, who's bad Tarantino! Your treatment, man, is absolutely brilliant It's got potential and we think it's really hot We feel the only thing it needs Is rewriting all the leads And we'd like to see you try a different plot Schwarzenegger! Arnold, babe, there ain't nobody like you That action thing you absolutely own But Zemeckis has the clout So the backing points are out 'Sides, we figure we can always get Stallone Stallone? Are you kidding me? I'll come down there and kill you! You gotta do the schmooze And you can be a regular lollapalooze Rubbing elbows with that Hollywood bunch Eating sushi for lunch Show the ladies your Mercedes down at Spago for brunch! You gotta schmooze or lose You're on the A-list; you're the person they choose To make a movie that'll beat out the rest And be dramatically best Get Antonio Banderas; he can show off his chest! You wanna make it to the top and be the cream of the crop? You can't lose If you learn how to schmooze! (Phone beeping) Is that my pager or my cell phone? Oh, singing Ewoks! Mister Plotz will see you now Ready? Ready! All right - we're on! This is where we go in, and it's either we win Or we lose Just as long as we schmooze!