As It Is When It Was

Song Meaning

The lyrics paint a picture of someone stuck in a prolonged state of emotional numbness, feeling disconnected from a past relationship and their own identity. The opening lines, "I've kept my head against the wall / I've been this way for so long now," immediately establish a sense of stagnation and weariness. The narrator recalls a past interaction where the other person was unenthusiastic, contrasting sharply with an earlier expectation of a passionate connection, like "a house on fire." This sets up a core tension between desired intimacy and actual emotional distance. The central conflict arises from a profound disconnect, both with another person and within the self. The narrator feels they are "not grown up and I am not a boy," existing in a void where "I feel no pain and I feel no joy." This emotional paralysis seems to stem from a perceived rejection or misunderstanding, as indicated by the line, "Until you told me that I'd have to go." The repeated chorus, "Whatever you think of me / You listen hard and I will make you see," suggests a desperate attempt to assert their reality and force the other person to acknowledge their true self, even amidst this internal emptiness. A striking element is the contrast between the idealized past and the bleak present, particularly in the second pre-chorus. The memory of running "in the street where I was born" during "those days when the sun was warm" evokes a sense of lost innocence and vitality. This warmth is now replaced by the coldness of emotional detachment and the "empty" streets of the outro. The final lines about "intellectual songs of love / From a stolen pen to a velvet glove" hint at a disillusionment with superficial expressions of emotion and perhaps a critique of how genuine feelings are commodified or insincerely presented, further isolating the narrator.