Don’t Be a Woman If You Can

Lyrics

[Intro] In this vale of tears you're either baby boy Or baby girl when you come on the scene Whichever you are you find that all is not serene It's tough enough to be male But if you're born a female You're headin' for a hideous routine [Chorus] If you're born that way you have to be a woman But we often wonder, is it worth the while? Your neck you break On decisions you must make To be beguilingly in style If you have a choice, don't ever be a woman For you spend your life just catering to man You're better off a zombie Or Fitch and Abercrombie But don't be a woman if you can Take our advice Don't pay the price Don't be a woman if you can [Verse 1] Every woman using perfume Has to worry whether her fume Will attract the men or chase them off instead Shall it be Chanel or Flattery Sexy or Assault-and-Battery Innuendo, Radiant, or Dash-of-Bed? Who knows on what adventure you're embarking Should you use It's-Better-When-You're-Parking? Bottles by the score unveiling All day long you keep inhaling Glamorous or Stolen Heaven Rendezvous Tonight at Seven Jezebel or Farmer's Daughter Which one leads 'em to the slaughter? Call-Me-Later or Narcissus Midnight Passion, Morning Kisses? Worried which one will beguile 'em 'Til you're fit for the asylum And that's just perfume! Take our advice Don't pay the price Don't be a woman if you can When you take an inventory You'd be better off being Peter Lorre Don't be a woman if you can! [Verse 2] As to woman's crowning glory It's the same old gruesome story How and why and where and when to do your hair? When at last they do a hairdo They do everything they dare do As they weave and wave you, you get mal de mer Up-swept, down-swept, would you like it broom-swept? Side-swept, swept-swept, maybe powder-room-swept? With so many styles invented Any wonder you're demented? Tint it purple, try it blonder 'Til your mind begins to wander Paris Knot or Grecian Knot Or try the new Venetian Knot Or Girlish Bob or Mannish Bob Or Hi-Ya, Bob! or Spanish Bob Or Virgin Bun or Brazen Bun Or Cinnamon Bun or Raisin Bun And that's just hairdo! Take our advice Don't pay the price Don't be a woman if you can To the analyst you're driven It's a heck of a sex that we've been given Never be a woman if you can! [Chorus] If you have a choice, don't ever be a woman For you'll spend your life just catering to man You're better off a zombie Or Fitch and Abercrombie But never a woman if you can [Verse 3] For instance, fur coats Anybody is nobody Just a body that is shoddy If she hasn't got a dozen furs to wear Which will sell the propaganda Skunk or wolf or baby panda Elephant or chimpanzee or polar bear? Maybe soon you'll see advertising splashes For a coat made of Life with Father's old mustaches Bring them on, the more the merrier Belgian Donkey, Irish Terrier Soon they'll have a killer-diller Made of unborn caterpillar Shall the coats that top-to-bottom us Be giraffe or hippopotamus? Persian Lamb is very festive Leg of lamb is more digestive Looking for a skin that's wearable Makes the livelong day unbearable And that's just fur coats! Take our advice (Take our advice) Don't pay the price (Don't pay the price) Oh, the problems are inhuman You'd be better off being President Truman Don't be a woman if you can!