A Very Voldemort Christmas

Lyrics

This here is a story that goes back for generations My daddy told me when I was little And, and his daddy told him when he was little And, and well, great-granddad Malfoy told granddad Malfoy when he was little And, and well heck, this Christmas story goes back as far as there've been Death Eaters themselves! It's the story about the time that... Voldemort stayed up real late so he could visit with Santa Claus He asked him for a puppy, 'cause Voldemort loves those little paws! You see, onе Christmas eve a long time ago Littlе orphan Voldemort was in his orphan hole down at the orphanage You see, Voldemort was an orphan A poor and lonely orphan He didn't even have enough money to cobble two sticks together And he was lonely Boy, was he lonely! Nobody loved little old orphan Voldemort Because noone loves an orphan! The thing he wanted, more than anything else Was just a friend A friend that wouldn't mind being kicked and punched and spelled on Because, that's just the way that little orphan Voldemort played He didn't know any better And what better friend for little orphan Voldemort, than a puppy! The problem was There was only one way that little orphan Voldemort could get his puppy And that was through Santa Claus So this one particular Christmas eve Voldemort stayed up really, really late! Way past his bedtime So he could meet Santa Claus He was passing the time by painting rainbows on the backs of ants And letting them loose in his ant farm Voldemort had conditioned his ant farm to be violently intolerant towards gay ants While he was watching the fun, there arose such a clatter And then there appeared Santa Claus! "Ey, it's-a me, Santa Claus! Whats'a matter you being up'a so late, huh?" Said Santa Claus "Hello, dear Santa Claus! My name's Tom Widdle But my fwiends call me Voldemort! I weally want a puppy Can I have a puppy for Chwistmas Pweatty pwease?" Said Voldemort "Ey, what kind of fool do you think I am-a? You's a very, very bad boy! You no get a puppy," Said Santa Claus "Aw, shucks, mister! But, pweeease?" Said Voldemort "Nooo!" Said Santa Claus "But, pweeease?" Said Voldemort "Nooo!" Said Santa Claus "But, but, I wanna tell you something!" Said Voldemort "What's the matter?" Said Santa Claus "Imperio!" Just then, little orphan Voldemort's eyes turned a deep scarlet red And little Tom Riddle Entered the mind of Santa Claus "This is your Dark Lord Voldemort Put the puppy in the stocking if you wish not to be harmed If you fail to put the puppy in the stocking, you will be harmed If you put the puppy in the stocking, you will not be harmed." And with a glazed look in his eye Santa Claus reached into his bag of puppies Grabbed one and put it in Voldemort's stocking "Thank you-a so nice" Said Santa Claus "Thanks, mr Santa Cwaus! Aw, my goodness My very own puppy!" And then, with a *poof* Santa Claus disappeared in a cloud of Christmas cheer And little orphan Voldemort was left with his puppy Who he loved and tortured for the rest of his days And that was the story of how... Voldemort stayed up real late so he could visit with Santa Claus He asked him for a puppy, 'cause Voldie just loves those little paws!