(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Lyrics

[VELMA] Front step, cha-cha-cha Back step, cha-cha-cha Side step, front step Back, and turn [TRACY, spoken] Oh my God, Penny, there's Link. Link! I can't believe I'm really here auditioning! [PENNY, spoken] I can't believe I'm really here watching you audition! [VELMA] Front step, cha-cha-cha Back step, cha-cha-cha Side step, front step Back, and tu- (spoken) Oh, Amber, look at this motley crew! Oh, this town sure has gone downhill since crowned Miss- [AMBER, spoken] Oh Mother, not more ancient history! [VELMA] Oh, my God, how times have changed! These girls must be blind or completely deranged But time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs (spoken) Amber! That move is far too dirty! [AMBER] Mother, wake up from that dream of yours, this isn't 1930 [VELMA] You can laugh, but life's a test Don't do this, don't do that! Remember, mother knows best For the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs [AMBER] These steps are perfect ammunition [VELMA] Let me show you how your Mommy dear Took out the competition Girls, go get 'em Boys, let's rumba One, two, three, four Five, six, seven Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Ha! Not a chance! (spoken) Boys, put me down Oh, good morning ladies Let's see what you got [COUNCIL MEMBERS] Twist, twist, twist, twist Mashed potato, mambo [VELMA] Ready? Begin On my show, you'll never find A thrusting hip or bumping grind [AMBER] What's that? A dance for fleas and ticks? [VELMA] Oh, you should have seen my bag of tricks! Oh, I hit the stage, batons ablaze! While belting Aida and preparing souffles! But that triple somersault Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! [Instrumental Break] [VELMA] Proceed [TAMMY] Are you scared we're on live? [TRACY] No, I'm sure I can cope [AMBER] Well, this show isn't broadcast in- [COUNCIL MEMBERS] Cinemascope! [VELMA] I never drank one chocolate malt No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs [AMBER] This one will never get a date in those hand-me-down clothes [VELMA] Ha! Kid, she'll never get a date 'til Daddy buys her a new nose I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs [AMBER] Do you dance like you dress? [LINK] Amber, there's no need to be cruel [VELMA] Would you swim in an integrated pool? [TRACY, spoken] I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier! [VELMA, spoken] Not in Baltimore, it isn't. And may I be frank? (sung) First impressions can be tough And when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough Your last answer just blew it And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be in, so we're kicking you out! With your form and your face Oh, but it isn't your fault You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs! (spoken) Eh, you may go.  [TRACY, spoken] Um, thank you? [PENNY, spoken] I think they secretly liked you! [LITTLE INEZ, spoken] May I please audition? [VELMA, spoken] Hahaha, of course not! But you may bow and exalt (sung) 'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs! [COUNCIL MEMBERS] Crabs, crabs, crabs!