Getting Married Today

Lyrics

[THE HUSBAND, spoken] Now shall we declare a winner? [THE WIFE, spoken] Yes [THE OBSERVER, spoken] Well, no, not quite yet You see, you didn't actually read your question properly And I know because I wrote it It wasn't, "Whom were you thinking of the day of your marriage?" It was, "What were you thinking of" [THE WIFE, spoken] What was I thinking of? [THE WIFE] Bless this day, pinnacle of life Husband joined to wife The heart leaps up to behold This golden day Today is for Amy Amy, I give you the rest of my life To cherish and to keep you To honor you forever Today is for Amy My happily Soon-to-be Wife Pardon me, is everybody there? Because if everybody's there I want to thank you all for coming to the wedding I'd appreciate your going even more I mean, you must have lots of better things to do And not a word of it to Paul Remember Paul? You know, the man I'm gonna marry But I'm not, because I wouldn't ruin Anyone as wonderful as he is— Thank you all For the gifts and the flowers Thank you all Now it's back to the showers Don't tell Paul But I'm not getting married today Bless this day, tragedy of life Husband joined to wife The heart sinks down and feels dead This dreadful day Listen, everybody Look, I don't know what you're waiting for A wedding, what's a wedding? It's a prehistoric ritual Where everybody promises fidelity forever Which is maybe the most horrifying word I ever heard And which is followed by a honeymoon Where suddenly he'll realize He's saddled with a nut And want to kill me, which he should Thanks a bunch But I'm not getting married Go have lunch 'Cause I'm not getting married You've been grand But I'm not getting married Don't just stand There, I'm not getting married And don't tell Paul But I'm not getting married today Go! Can't you go? Why is no- Body listening? Goodbye! Go and cry At another person's wake If you're quick For a kick You could pick Up a christening But please On my knees There's a human life at stake! Listen everybody, I'm afraid you didn't hear Or do you want to see a crazy lady Fall apart in front of you? It isn't only Paul who could be ruining his life, you know We'll both of us be losing our identities I telephoned my analyst about it And he said to call him Monday But by Monday I'll be floating In the Hudson with the other garbage I'm not well I'm not getting married You've been swell But I'm not getting married Clear the hall 'Cause I'm not getting married Thank you all But I'm not getting married And don't tell Paul But I'm not getting married today Bless this bride, totally insane Slipping down the drain And bless this day in our hearts As it starts to rain Today is for— Oh, go! Can't you go? Look, you know I adore you all But why watch me die Like Eliza on the ice? Look, perhaps I'll collapse In the apse right before you all So take back the cake Burn the shoes and boil the rice Look, I didn't want to have to tell you But I may be coming down with hepatitis And I think I'm gonna faint So if you wanna see me faint I'll do it happily But wouldn't it be funnier To go and watch a funeral? So thank you for the Twenty-seven dinner plates And thirty-seven butter knives And forty-seven paperweights And fifty-seven candle holders— One more thing— I'm not getting married! [THE OTHERS] Amen [THE WIFE] As I've said I'm not getting married! [THE OTHERS] Amen [THE WIFE] Stuff your ring I'm not getting married! [THE OTHERS] Amen [THE WIFE] Wedding's dead I'm not getting married! [THE OTHERS] Amen [THE WIFE] Way away But I'm not [THE WIFE & THE OTHERS] Getting married today! (Amen) [THE WIFE] Amen!