Tyler Perry Writes Real Life

Lyrics

[AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] I know it's been months since we last spoke, and I have no idea if this is of any interest to you, or if you have any materials to send, but, we just got a call for submissions for something very exciting, especially for you [USHER, spoken] Oh yeah? What is it? [THOUGHTS] Tyler Perry Tyler Perry Tyler Perry! [USHER, spoken] Oh, no! [THOUGHTS] Tyler Perry Tyler Perry Tyler Perry! [USHER] Hell no! [AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] It seems he's gotten so busy with film and TV that his team is looking to farm out the gospel plays to a ghostwriter. It'll be a scream! And didn't you once tell me that your mother would lovе nothing more than for you to write one? So, how 'bout it, Ush? Just writе a sassy, matriarch, a lonely spinster who loves God, throw in a few Color Purple quotes! Whaddya say? [USHER] Thank you for the opportunity... [AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] Of course! Of course [USHER] But Tyler would be none too fond of me [AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] Now don't sell yourself short! [USHER] The crap he puts on stage, film and TV Makes my bile want to rise! [AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] I know, your "integrity." [USHER] Nothing that he writes seems real to me [AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] Yes, you think he sucks [USHER] Just simple-minded hack buffoonery! [AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] But no white theaters will touch you [USHER] And if I try to match his coonery He'd see through my disguise [AGENT FAIRWEATHER, spoken] Just think about it! [USHER] It's true, I'm still emerging Looking to make my start But not so hungry that I'd write the Chitlin Circuit I'm into entertainment That's undercover art My mission is to figure out just how to work it Today... Today, I plan to change this scene for the better - (spoken) Hello? Agent Fairweather? Somebody there? [ANCESTORS, spoken] Race traitor! Race traitor! Race traitor! [USHER, spoken] "Race traitor?" I'm not a race traitor! Who are you? [HARRIET TUBMAN, spoken] I'm Harriet motherfuckin' Tubman, and I got a problem with you! [MARCUS GARVEY, spoken] I'm Marcus motherfuckin' Mosiah Garvey, and I've got a problem with you, too! [JAMES BALDWIN, spoken] Jimmy Baldwin! [ZORA NEALE HURSTON, spoken] Zora Neale Hurston! [12 YEARS A SLAVE, spoken] 12 Years a Slave, here! [WHITNEY HOUSTON, spoken] Whitney! [USHER, spoken] What do you want with me? [WHITNEY HOUSTON, spoken] To get you together! Making me get my Black ass up outta my twenty dollar grave to put your Black ass on blast, talkin' bad about Tyler Perry! [ANCESTORS] Who the fuck is you, nigga? You look it, but you ain't no true nigga! You make us ancestors blue Actin' brand new Nigga, I can't with you! Tyler is a real nigga And not a cracker-pleasing seal, nigga! He writes how our people feel With him at the wheel Nigga, what can't we do? Cause Tyler Perry writes real life! Tyler Perry writes real life! He writes stories we can swallow Like Popeyes chicken and biscuits He writes stories we can follow Like we followed the drinking gourd He writes stories 'bout fat, Black women with weaves Finding love and redemption With muscle-bound Black men who own they own business And truly love the Lord And truly love the Lord! So, if you won't follow through, nigga I'll SMDH at you, nigga [WHITNEY] Cause I'm just a somebody [ANCESTORS] Nigga what? [WHITNEY] Trying to tell everybody [ANCESTORS] Nigga who, ahh [WHITNEY] That you ain't nobody, nigga, so [WHITNEY AND ANCESTORS] Get off the stage! [ANCESTORS] Cause Tyler Perry writes real life Cause Tyler Perry writes... That nigga built a fucking table for us Cause of Tyler, we ain't sitting at the back of the bus But you still out here chasing all this white people shit When you're broke, and ain't got no money Broke, and ain't got no money Broke, and ain't got no money Nigga, that's real life!