A Secretary Is Not a Toy

Song Meaning

This track lays down a strict, almost militant, code of conduct for interacting with secretaries. The narrator, Bratt, repeatedly hammers home the central thesis: "A secretary is not a toy." He frames this not as a suggestion, but as a fundamental truth, essential for office harmony and personal employment. The initial spoken interjections from the men, agreeing with Bratt, establish a compliant, almost fearful, atmosphere. This sets the stage for Bratt's pronouncements, which are delivered with an air of authority and finality, leaving no room for misinterpretation. The core tension arises from the implied, yet unstated, behaviors that necessitate such a forceful declaration. Bratt’s descriptions – "fondle and dandle," "playfully handle," "puerile joy" – suggest a history of inappropriate advances and objectification. The repeated assertion that a secretary is "definitely not" a toy, coupled with the women’s echoing refrain, highlights the ongoing struggle against this dehumanizing perception. The lyrics paint a picture of an environment where such boundaries are constantly being tested, requiring explicit and repeated reinforcement. Bratt’s craft shines in his use of contrasting imagery and specific, almost absurd, analogies to define the secretary's role. He dismisses the idea of her being "wound by key, pulled by string," or a "pet," or an "Erector Set." Instead, he elevates her to a "highly specialized key component" and a "fine and sensitive mechanism." This juxtaposition elevates the secretary from a mere object of amusement to an indispensable part of the office machinery, a stark and effective redefinition. The reference to F.A.O. Schwarz, a toy store, further emphasizes this distinction, grounding the abstract concept in a tangible, relatable comparison. The effectiveness of these lyrics lies in their bluntness and the underlying threat of consequence. The story of "Charlie McCoy," who was "fired like a shot" for forgetting this rule, serves as a chilling example. Bratt’s final, emphatic spelling out of "N-O, T-O-Y" and the subsequent spoken "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" – a common typing exercise – underscores the secretary's professional function. It’s this blend of stern warning, professional redefinition, and the implied danger of transgression that makes the message resonate, leaving the listener with a clear, if somewhat unsettling, understanding of the intended workplace dynamic.