The Audience Is Listening

Lyrics

I've lived in real small towns Really small places That housed 500 residents With only ten last names And I don't know what you came to see here On this stage without curtains But I'm hoping that whatever it is Is the last thing you'd expect 'Cause the audience is listening So you'd better say something interesting They want to hear a different take on things That they think but never talk about Not how I spent ten years working to get herе Exactly where I started In this lovеly establishment Where the real draw is the drinks If you don't come here much Thanks for paying admission And a special thanks to the folks who had to hire a babysitter 'Cause the audience is listening So you'd better say something interesting They want to hear a different take on things That they think but never talk about You don't wanna know How I'm the skeptic With a billion conspiracy theories About how Mike Nesmith of The Monkees was really involved in the making of the album "Changes" even though the artwork says it was only Micky and Davy So just because I've stated opinions Making fun of pop culture Please don't expect me to understand What's popular this week "And speakin' of what's popular this week, people used to use pick-up lines like, "Hey, baby what's your sign?" or "Do you come here often?" Nowadays, instead folks say "Say, what are you gonna do when the zombies come?" And often you'll hear responses like "Oh, I'm gonna break into a super-wal-mart because there's gonna be plenty of food and guns." and others say "Well, I'm gonna steal me a boat because zombies can't swim." Unless you of course take into account the book "World War Z" where zombies can walk underwater, 'cause they don't need oxygen to live. But apparently they all- the uh laws of buoyancy don't apply to them- Bullshit Knock it off people, the zombies are not coming, it is not gonna happen But if it did.. And-and that's a major "if" of course, but if they did, I wou- I wouldn't really freak out about it, I mean, once you get over the general shock of the fact that yes the dead ARE in fact walking the earth, that's really the extent of your worries, you see, since they can't inhale, being DEAD and all, they can't get oxygen, which their muscles need in order to work. This means that they aren't exactly gonna be running at any super-sonic speeds, they're not gonna punch a hole through your ribcage, and if they bite you, it'll have all of the impact of a teensy, wet, poodle, falling on your arm, so, seriously, stop freaking out about it And don't even get me started on this vampire crap because we all know that that's just an excuse to watch softcore gay porn. Except for that Dracula movie with Tom Waits in it, because anything with Tom Waits involved gets a universal hall pass from me Anyways, where was I... uh... Somethi-yea." Well, the audience is listening So you'd better say something interesting They want to hear a different take on things That they think but never talk about "Once more!" Well, the audience is listening So you'd better say something interesting They want to hear a different take on things That they think but never talk about