If Only

Song Meaning

The narrator is trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and mental anguish, fearing the "toxic mind" they inhabit. This internal struggle is described as "kinda deadly to my self esteem," creating a profound sense of loneliness. The plea "Can you hear me?" underscores a desperate need for connection amidst this isolation. The core tension lies in the repeated "If only I'd change" juxtaposed with the overwhelming "only grey around me." This highlights a deep desire for transformation that feels perpetually out of reach, suggesting a feeling of being stuck and unable to escape their own mental landscape. The phrase "Go Ahead / Why / Don't you / Punish me" implies a self-punishing mindset, where silence exacerbates their internal turmoil. The lyrics masterfully employ repetition to convey this feeling of being stuck. The insistent "If only if / If only" chorus, mirroring the "Again and again and again and again" interjections, creates a hypnotic, claustrophobic effect. This sonic mirroring of the lyrical content reinforces the cyclical nature of their thoughts and the difficulty of breaking free from the mental "grey." This track hits hard because it articulates a universal feeling of being unable to enact desired change, amplified by vivid internal imagery. The "drummer is beating inside my chest" captures the visceral anxiety, while the fleeting thought of a "healer's a cigarette" reveals a past reliance on unhealthy coping mechanisms. The ultimate cry for "a single thought / Without regret" encapsulates the yearning for mental peace and clarity that remains elusive.