All Hail The Brain / Terminal Illness

Lyrics

[KIDS, whispered contrapuntally] Brain's gonna do it! Brain's gonna do it! Friday night, the Brain's gonna do it! Friday night, we go to the mall And Brain's gonna get us into the movie! Gonna go see The Bloodmaster! Friday night, The Bloodmaster! Friday night, Friday night! Brain's gonna do it! Brain's gonna do it! [EVAN] I have a plan I have a plan Possibly, I think I have a plan It'll take a lot of work It'll take a lot of luck But when it all comes through They'll say: "All hail the Brain! He does what no mere mortal can He's the man Evan Goldman All hail the Brain! He did what no one else could do Saw us through Saved the day" And all I have to do is Wait 'til Mom goes to sleep Then sneak the license from the wallet in her purse Make a color Xerox, laminate it Then put the license back in the wallet in her purse Then find the dress she wore In the picture on the license that I copied and I laminated Wear the dress Get a wig Show the license Buy the tickets… What could go wrong? [KIDS] Brett's gonna do it! Brett's gonna do it! Friday night, Brett's gonna do it! Friday night at The Bloodmaster Brett's gonna do the tongue with Kendra! Friday night at the movie at the mall! And Brain's gonna get us in! [EVAN] I have a plan! A better plan Actually, an almost-perfect plan It sounds absolutely nuts It'll take a lot of guts But when it all comes through They'll say: "All hail the Brain! Give that Bar Mitzvah boy a hand Ain't he grand? Ain't he great!" And all I have to do is Go that day to the movie theater Break into the projection room Steal the reels of film for The Bloodmaster Take 'em down the hall where they're showing Bambi Switch the reels Leave the theater Tell the guys we're gonna go see Bambi! What could go wrong? [BRETT, spoken] Hey, Brain, did you set up my date for Friday? [EVAN, spoken] Date? [BRETT, spoken] With Kendra! [EVAN, spoken] Date? Date! Archie, I have major news! [EVAN] I have a plan I have a plan So you and Kendra can go out on Friday night! [ARCHIE] Oh! [EVAN] I need your help, though, so stay calm You need to go talk to my Mom And it'll all come true Because… No one says "No" to a boy with a terminal illness Take it from me, it's a sure guarantee of success Listen, I'm not making fun of your terminal illness But you hold the secret to getting my mom to say "Yes" So talk to my mom, and get her to buy The tickets we need to obtain Brett gets his movie, I get the credit And you get your date, so who would complain? Except for you, because you're dying, but No one says "No" to a boy with a terminal illness! Who could refuse when you shuffle your shoes And say "Please?" Use all the tricks that you learned in your cradle You don't need to lay it on thick with a ladle 'Cause no one says "No" to a kid with a fatal disease! [ARCHIE, spoken] I can do this! [EVAN, spoken] I know you can [EVAN] La la la la la la la la la la la la la la… [ARCHIE, spoken] Mrs. Goldman, I hate to bother you But I was strolling through the neighborhood….. [EVAN] La la la la la la la la la la la la la… [ARCHIE, spoken] …Which wouldn't be so bad if it weren't my birthday on Friday But the insurance… [EVAN] La la la la la la la la la la la la la la… [ARCHIE, spoken] …I can always pay you for the tickets If I don't get my medicine next month… [EVAN] La la la la la la la la la la la la la! [ARCHIE, spoken] …And you know, I've always felt this kinship with the Jewish people [EVAN] Out of the blue, a thought comes to you Like sun comin' out from the rain And after the stress, my mother says— [ARCHIE, spoken] Yes! [EVAN, spoken] Yes! [EVAN & ARCHIE] We're all set for Friday, so who could complain? [ARCHIE] Except for you, because you're Jewish and you always complain [EVAN] It's true, but— [EVAN & ARCHIE] No one says "No" to a boy with a terminal illness! Ask for a day at the mall or a trip to Belize Nothing's too hard and no quest unendurable Long as you're sure you're completely incurable! No one says "No" to a boy With a fatal disease! [BRETT] All hail The Brain! [KIDS] All hail the Brain! [BRETT] I never thought he'd take the bait! This is great! Evan Goldman! [KIDS] Evan Goldman! All hail the Brain! [EVAN] I did what no one else could do! Tell me, who Could complain? [BRETT] All hail the Brain! [KIDS] All hail the Brain! [EVAN] All hail the Brain! [ALL] All hail the Brain!