(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Lyrics

[TRACY, spoken] Well, I brought my own 45s, so If you just put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff! [LOU ANN, spoken] Haven't you already shown us enough? *councilgirls laughing* [VELMA] Oh my God, how times have changed! This girl's either blind or completely deranged Ah, but time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs Childhood dreams for me were cracked When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin' act! But the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Ha! Not a chance! 'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze While belting high Cs and preparing soufflés! But that triple somersault Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! Proceed [TAMMY] Are you scared we're on live? [TRACY] No, I'm sure I can cope [AMBER] Well, this show isn't broadcast in [COUNCIL MEMBERS] CinemaScope! [VELMA] I never drank one chocolate malt, no No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs [COUNCIL MEMBER] How many sweaters do you own? [AMBER] Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty Let me see, I have three, five No, wait, I have twenty! [VELMA] I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" If I wasn't Miss Baltimore Crabs! A tycoon I wed, so cuddly and funny The old fart dropped dead, but left tons of money So I bought this station [VELMA AND COMPANY] So all of our nation could see [VELMA, spoken] Baby Amber and me! [AMBER] Do you dance like you dress? [LINK] Amber, there's no need to be cruel [VELMA] Would you swim in an integrated pool? *Gasps* [TRACY, spoken] I sure would! I'm all for integration, it's the new frontier! [VELMA, spoken] Not in Baltimore, it isn't And may I be frank? (sung) First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it! And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be in [COUNCIL MEMBERS] So we're kicking you out! [VELMA] You can't get past me, kid, but it isn't your fault It's hard to get rid of Miss Baltimore Crabs! Ha-ha! (spoken) Oh, you may go [TRACY, spoken] Uh, thank you? [PENNY, spoken] Gee Tracy, that went well! [LITTLE INEZ, spoken] Hello, may I please audition? [VELMA, spoken] No, but you can bow and exalt (sung) 'Cause I am Miss Baltimore Crabs! [COUNCIL MEMBERS] Crabs, Crabs! [VELMA] Crabs!