Franklin Shepard, Inc.

Lyrics

[BONNIE, spoken] Now, our studio audience would love to know how you two work together.  [FRANK, spoken] Oh, sure.  [CHARLEY, spoken] No. May I answer that? [BONNIE, spoken] Oh, please do.  [CHARLEY, spoken] How we work together.  He goes— [Mimes playing an elaborate arpeggio] And I go— [Mimes typing, in similar elaborate fashion] (sung) And soon we're humming along— Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm And that's called writing a song— Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm Then he goes— [Plays another arpeggio] And I go— [Types] And the phone goes— (spoken) Brrrring! And he goes— [Mimicking FRANK into an imaginary phone] "Mutter mutter mutter mutter yes, Jerome Mutter no, Jerome Mutter mutter mutter mutter—" [To BONNIE] That's his lawyer, Jerome [Back into the "phone"] "Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter do it, Jerome" [Hangs up, turns back to himself] Sorry, Charley— [Plays the arpeggio, as himself] (sung) So I go— [Types] And he goes— [Arpeggio] And I go— [Types] And soon we're tapping away— Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm [Mimicking an intercom] (spoken) Bzzz! "Sorry, Charley." Bzzz! [To BONNIE] It's the secretary— Bzzz! On the intercom— [As FRANK] "Yes, Miss Bzzz..." [Nasal, as the secretary] "It's a messenger..." [As FRANK] "Thanks, Miss Bzzz Will you tell him to wait? Will you order the car? Will you call up the bank? Will you wire the coast? Will you—" Drrrrrring! "Sorry, Charley..." [Into the "phone" again] "Mutter mutter mutter mutter sell the stocks Mutter buy the rights Mutter mutter mutter mutter mutter—" Bzzz! [Into "phone"] "Let me put you on hold..." "Yes, Miss Bzzz..." "It's the interview..." "Thanks, Miss Bzzz Will you tell him to wait? Will you wire the car? Will you order the coast? Will you send up the bank?..." (sung) And the telephones blink And the stocks get sold And the rest of us, he keeps on "hold" And he's into making movies And he's now a corporation Right? So I play at home With my wife and kids And I wait to hear the movie bids And I've got a little sailboat And I'm into meditation Right? He flies off to California I discuss him with my shrink That's the story of the way we work Me and Franklin Shepard, Inc.  [BONNIE, spoken] It seems to me you think making money is a bad thing for an artist.  [CHARLEY, spoken] Money? Did I say money? (sung) No, I like money a lot— Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm I mean, it's better than not— Hmmm-hmmm-hmmm (spoken) But when it's— [Grunts like a pig and stars grabbing imaginary money] Money— [Grunt, grunt] Money— [Snorts, gathering money like a manic, drooling octopus] When you're into— [Snort] Money— [Lightly] And you should be— [Plays an imaginary arpeggio, then gestures to Frank] Listen, Frank does the money thing very well, but you know what? Other people do it better. And Frank does the music thing very well. And you know what? No one does it better.  (sung) Still the telephones blink And the buzzers buzz And I really don't know what he does But he makes a ton of money And a lot of it for me— Right? So I think "Okay!" And I start a play And he somehow knows 'Cause right away It's drrrring! [Into "phone" again, as Frank] "Hiya, buddy Wanna write a show? Got a great idea We'll own all the rights With a two-week out And a turnaround On the guarantee Plus a gross percent Of the billing clause—" And there I am in California Talking deals and turning pink Back in business and I mean just that Back with Franklin Shepard, Inc.  Very sneaky how it happens Much more sneaky than you think Start with nothing but a song to sing Next you're Franklin Shepard— (spoken) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. See, Frank and I are not that kind of close. The way we used to be. And friendship is like a, a garden. You have to water it, and tend it, and care about it. And you know what? I miss it and I want it back. Look— (sung) Nothing permanent has happened Just a temporary kink Friendship's something you don't really lose Very sneaky how it happens Every day you're on the brink First the prizes, then the interviews— [Looks around, realizing where he is] Oh, my God, I think it's happened! Stop me quick before I sink One more triumph that I can't refuse [Into the camera] (spoken) In case you didn't notice, this is my first time on TV—and my last.  [To BONNIE] (sung) No, here's the point, whatever happens Then we'll all go have a drink [Gestures toward Frank] That's the guy I love, the fella who's Inside [Into "phone"] "Mutter mutter mutter mutter quick, Jerome Get the President There's a crazy man On my TV screen!" [To camera] Inside— Bzzz! Bzzz! Drrring! Inside Franklin Shepard— (spoken) Just write him folks, care of Any Bank, U.S.A.— (sung) Inc.!