(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

Lyrics

[TRACY, spoken] I brought my own 45's, so if you wanna put them on, I'll show you my stuff! [AMBER, spoken] Haven't you shown us enough? [VELMA] Oh, my God, how times have changed! This girl's either blind or completely deranged Oh, the time seemed to halt When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs [TRACY, spoken] It's always been my dream to dance on this show! [AMBER, spoken] Aww, maybe you ought to go back to sleep [VELMA] Childhood dreams for me were cracked When that damn Shirley Temple stole my friggin' act! But the crown's in the vault From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs Those poor runner-ups may still hold some grudges They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Haha! Not a chance! 'Cause I hit the stage, batons ablaze! While belting high Cs and preparing cheese soufflés! Ahhh! But that triple somersault Was how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs! [AMBER, spoken] Oh, almost dinner time! Shouldn't you be waddling along? [VELMA, spoken] Amber! Haven't I taught you not to judge a book by its cover? [AMBER, spoken] No... [VELMA, spoken] Oh! This is America, where everyone deserves a separate, but equal chance to fail. I'll handle this (sung) Are you scared we're on live? [TRACY] No, I'm sure I can cope [AMBER & VELMA] Well, this show isn't broadcast in- [COUNCIL MEMBERS] CinemaScope! [VELMA] I never drank one chocolate malt- No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs [COUNCIL MEMBER, spoken] How many sweaters do you own? [TRACY, spoken] Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty Let me see, I have three, five Wait, I have twenty! [VELMA] I would say, "Oy, gevalt!" But I can't... I'm Miss Baltimore Crabs! [COUNCIL MEMBER, spoken] You're too wide from the back [AMBER, spoken] Honey, look at her front! [VELMA] Wait, are we on Candid Camera? Okay, where's Allen Funt? [AMBER, spoken] Do you dance like you dress? [LINK, spoken] Girls, there's no need to be cruel [VELMA] Would you swim in an integrated pool? *Councilmembers gasp* [TRACY, spoken] I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier! [VELMA, spoken] Not in Baltimore, it isn't [TRACY, spoken] Can I audition for Corny now? [VELMA] Mmm... I'm his producer, and may I be frank? First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it! And so, my dear, so loud and stout You'll never be in- [COUNCIL MEMBERS] So we're kicking you out! [VELMA] With your form and your face, well it isn't your fault You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs! (spoken) You may go [TRACY, spoken] Uh, thank you? [PENNY, spoken] I could tell, they really liked you! [LITTLE INEZ, spoken] Hello ma'am, I want to audition [VELMA, spoken] And I wanna be 18 again... How about you bow and exalt? (sung) For I was Miss Baltimore Crabs! [COUNCIL MEMBERS] Crabs, crabs! [VELMA] Crabs!