They Don’t Let You in the Opera (If You’re a Country Star)

Lyrics

[Verse 1] Now, I was born down in Georgia But Georgia wasn't good enough for me I'd sing country songs for them But my heart sang La Bohème And it didn't help we moved to Tennessee Nashville's not the place you sing high C [Verse 2] If you wanna sing at all You best sing country So I picked up how to do it pretty fast Be a country star or go In the sticks them hicks don't know Verdi's Rigoletto from their ass So a country star's how I came to pass [Chorus] But I'll sing opera one day "It's like Opry with an a" I told my agent in his fancy car And it pained him I could tell When he said, "no chance in hell They don't let you in the opera If you're a country star" "Is it the way I say oblighetto?" [Verse 3] So I took that country singing job and shoved it And I headed to The Met at NYC I know that stage is hard to reach But Domingo likes a peach You should hear that tenor voice sing rockabilly Now I'm trying out for The Barber of Seville [Chorus] When a voice booms from the house "From those tassels on your blouse I can tell you've got a twang and play guitar I bet they loved you in the South But please, don't open your mouth We can't let you in the opera If you're a country star 'Cause no patron trusts an opera In the hands of a country star" [Bridge] Do you think I can't wail 'Cause I got long pink fingernails? I had to play more country songs Just to stay afloat Though Aida's my role I'm in a southern pigeon hole I sing like Maria Callas But no one's heard a note [Chorus] 'Till I charmed an old blowhard Who owns half of Juilliard Said my singing was so beautiful he cried And I felt my heartbeat hop Then I heard his heartbeat stop He said, "welcome to the opera" And then the bastard died [Verse 4] Well, time went by, I gave up on the opera Grabbed a man, got ready for a kid Though La Scala never called My ears still get enthralled When I hear a great soprano blow her lid So head up to the opera house I did [Chorus] But as vibratos start to shake I feel my water break I'd never even make it down the aisle If you'd have been there you'd have seen In that second mezzanine First a head, then two feet From my ninety dollar seat As I lifted up my gown To the doctor TWO ROWS DOOOOOOOOOOWN...! [Recitative] It hurts like hell Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God Does that squish the baby? How can it breathe? Contraction! Contraction! Contraction! Contraction! My God, I paid so much for Dr. Chung And now this Ow! You son of a bitch! No, thank you, I mean it AHHHH, you fucker! Contraction! Contraction! Yes! I feel that! Ow ow ow ow ow ow! Ow ow ow ow ow! I'm pushing I'm pushing Oh my God, oh my God It's like pushing a watermelon Through a hole the size of a lemon Aha! Aha! Aha! What? Well, it better be a boy! Ahhhhh... Ahhhhh... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa... (spoken) I'm so sorry about your dress! (sung) AAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhh...! [Bridge] Well, now, to my surprise Those patrons had tears in their eyes The New York Times review Even raved I was all that Found the headline bizarre "Opera gives birth to a new star When she was done, what fun And a newborn in her lap" [Chorus] Then the head of the trustees board Said, "before you cut the cord Here's an eight-year contract and some caviar You'll start right away, my dear We have daycare, please sign here" Been my dream since I sang country Now I'm an opera star (Baby cries) Shh, shh! But you were the best part of the opera by far [Verse 5] Now a crib ain't where you're needing pearls of wisdom But listen up before you've cried a word When you hear no, don't get upset It means yes, but just not yet Fight the most when folks say you're absurd In the end, I believe we all get heard [Chorus] But if I may suggest one rule Before I'm no longer cool What you do ain't always who you are So if you find your heart is set On both Memphis and The Met And they force you to choose Screw 'em both, go sing the blues Bet your ass you can sing opera If you're a country– that's a C Star! Hey!