Life Is a Competition

Lyrics

[KEN BLUNDELL, spoken] Stop smiling. Look aggressive! I want to see a pack of great white sharks, hungry for gold medals. [sung] Right from the beginning, everyone of us is swimming Sperm's in a race, competing for an egg And like the Olympics, there can only be one winner The losers end up as a wet spot, dead A crusty defeat, a stain on a sheet A tissue in a toilet, a drop on the seat Now give me 110%, or you can piss right off from the main event [COMPANY] Life is a competition Anything less than perfection Takes you in the wrong direction Training is repetitive, repetitive Have to be the best you can 'Cause life's a competition, and To be complete, you must compete And to compete, you must be competitive (yeah) [MURIEL HESLOP, spoken] Ken? I sent you an email, about your post on Marry Me Already? About the ma-- [KEN, spoken] Shhh. Mariel? Uhh, uh.. take a few more photos. Look like barracudas! No, piranhas! Piranhas feasting on sharks! So, Mariel, do you.. do any swimming? [MURIEL, spoken] What? No. You looked younger in the picture you sent. [KEN, spoken] Shkuratov! [MURIEL, spoken] Bless you. [KEN, spoken] Alexander Shkuratov, Mariel Heslop. [MURIEL, spoken] I feel like we've met before. [ALEXANDER SHKURATOV, spoken] I feel like we should not meet... ever. [KEN, spoken] Shkuratov! [ENSEMBLE, spoken] Bless you! [ALEXANDER, spoken] Shut up! [KEN, spoken] Sit! Now, Mariel, you've probably heard about how badly Russia treats its LGBTQ.. RSTUV people. [MURIEL, spoken] They do? [KEN, spoken] Yeah, well, they've just been banned from the next Olympics for opening fire on a lesbian protest rally. Which is bad news for Alex here. [MURIEL, spoken] Are you a lesbian? [ALEXANDER, spoken] What? [MURIEL, spoken] Ho-ho-ho-ho, I don't know why I just said that, haha, haha. [KEN, spoken] Well, I suppose it is funny.. in a.. in a way. No, Alex is Russian. [ALEXANDER, spoken] Do I look queer to you? [KEN, spoken] And not homophobic in any way, are you, Alex? [ALEXANDER, spoken] I love Ian Thorpe. [KEN, spoken] There you go. [ALEXANDER, spoken] And Kylie Minogue. And the Sydney Mardi Gras. And the films of Baz Luhrmann. [KEN, spoken] Okay, Alex, we get the point. [ALEXANDER, spoken] But I'm not gay, alright? [ENSEMBLE] So not gay [ALEXANDER, spoken] Shut up, Australian losers! [KEN] Ugh, ugh He's so not gay, but he's a brilliant swimmer He was born with fins, the limbs of a winner He's a future champion, huge potential Olympic medals, gold credentials He's keen to join Team Australia Without citizenship, he's doomed to fail ya He needs an Aussie bride, a perfect match He'll get $50,000 cold hard cash [ENSEMBLE] Life is a competition Winning at times requires deception Slight of hand or misdirection [KEN] Is that fair? [ENSEMBLE] You bet it is Have to be the best you can [KEN, spoken] Now, I've worked out the story of your whirlwind romance. [ENSEMBLE] Life's a competition and [KEN, spoken] The details of which you're gonna have to memorise. [ENSEMBLE] To be complete you must compete [KEN, spoken] The important thing is to convnce the immigration authorities and the media that you two are really in love. [ENSEMBLE] To compete you must be competitive [KEN, spoken] What I'm asking, Mariel, is, would you have difficulty lying to every person on the planet about your attraction to Alex?