Pirelli’s Miracle Elixir

Lyrics

[TOBIAS] Ladies and gentlemen May I have your attention, please? Do you wake every morning in shame and despair To discover your pillow is covered with hair Wot ought not to be there? Well, ladies and gentlemen From now on, you can waken with ease You need never again have a worry or care I will show you a miracle marvelous rare Gentlemen, you are about to see something That rose from the dead On the top of my head Scarcely a month ago, gentlemen I was struck with a horrible Dermatologic disease Though the finest physicians in London were called I awakened one morning, amazed and appalled To discover with dread that my head was as bald As a novice's knees I was dying of shame 'Til a gentleman came An illustrious barber, Pirelli by name He give me a liquid as precious as gold I rubbed it in daily like what I was told And behold Only thirty days old 'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir That's what did the trick, sir True, sir, true Was it quick, sir? Did it in a tick, sir Just like an elixir ought to do How about a bottle, mister? Only costs a penny, guaranteed [FIRST MAN, TOBIAS] Penny buys a bottle, I don't know (Go ahead and tug, sir) Go ahead, sir, harder (Ah, let's go) [TOBIAS] Does Pirelli's Stimulate the growth, sir? You can have my oath, sir 'Tis unique Rub a minute Stimulating, i'n' it? Soon you'll have to thin it once a week Penny buys a bottle, guaranteed [FIRST MAN, TOBIAS] Penny buys a bottle, might as well (How about a sample?) [TOBIAS] Have you ever smelled a cleaner smell? [TOBIAS] That's enough, sir, ample Gently dab it Gets to be a habit Soon there'll be enough, sir Somebody can grab it See that chap with hair like Shelley's? You can tell he's used Pirelli's [FIRST MAN] Let me have a bottle [SECOND MAN] Make that two [TODD] Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench? [MRS. LOVETT] Are we standing near an open trench? [TODD] Must be standing near an open trench [TOBIAS] Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixir Anything what's slick, sir Soon sprouts curls Try Pirelli's When they see how thick, sir You can have your pick, sir Of the girls Want to buy a bottle, missus? [TODD] What is this? [FIRST MAN] Propagates the hair, sir [TODD] Smells like piss [MRS. LOVETT] Smells like—woo [FIFTH MAN & SECOND WOMAN, MRS. LOVETT] Says it smells like piss or something (Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear) [TODD] This is piss, piss with ink [MEN & WOMEN] Let me smell that bottle I don't want no ink piss What is this? [TOBIAS] Never mind that madman, mister [WOMEN] Gives back our money [MEN] What does that smell like to you ma'am? [MRS. LOVETT] Give 'em back their money! [TOBIAS] Never mind the madman [CROWD] Where is this Pirelli? Yeah, where is this Pirelli? [TOBIAS] Let Pirelli's Activate your roots, sir [TODD] Keep it off your boots, sir Eats right through [CROWD] Go and get Pirelli [TOBIAS] Yes, get Pirelli's Use a bottle of it Ladies seem to love it [MRS LOVETT] Flies do, too [CROWD] Hand the bloody money over Hand the bloody money over [TOBIAS] See Pirelli's Miracle Elixir Grow a little wick, sir, then some fuzz The Pirelli's Soon'll make it thick, sir Like a good elixir Always does Trust Pirelli's If your hair is sick, sir Fix it in the nick, sir Don't look grim Just Pirelli's Miracle Elixir That'll do the trick, sir [FIRST MAN] What about the money? [TOBIAS] If you've got a kick, sir [CROWD] What about the money? Where is this Pirelli? Go and get Pirelli What about our money? [TOBIAS] Talk to him