Delta Airlines

Lyrics
I will tolerate any treatment. Like I travel alone sometimes, and I'll put up with anything. I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline--- You know, I don't wanna name an actual airline so let's just make one up; let's call it "Delta Airlines." So I'll book a ticket on "Delta Airlines" and I'll show up at the airport and I'll go, "Can I get on the plane now, please?" And they go, "No. It's delayed nine hours." And I go, "Okaaay!" And then I go to the bathroom. And then I come out of the bathroom and I go, "Any updates?" And they go "Yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. Because we hate you. Now take this meal voucher that doesn't work, go fetch!" And I go, "Okaaay!" and I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express and go, "Can I have a sandwich please?" and they go "NO!" And I go, "Okaaay!" And they go, "You"re a little fat girl, aren't you?" And I go, "Nooo," and they go, "SAY IT!" and I go, "I'm a little fat girl." And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for thirty years!" And I go, "Why are you doing this to me?!" And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare!" But with my girlfriend, she would just be like, "Let's see if Southwest has any flights." So it's better.
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Credits
- Writers
- John Mulaney