Immediate Family

Lyrics

[Aggie] You're late! [Winston] I stepped out seeking a tonic for my troubles... and may have gotten more than I bargained for [Aggie] My brother has always been the funny one! (taking control of Winston) Um, Mr. and Mrs. Halloran, this is my brother, Winston [Mr. Halloran] Nice to meet you! [Mrs. Halloran] Oh, it's a pleasure! [Winston] Oh, the pleasure is mine, Mrs. Harrigan! [Aggie] Mr. *Halloren* was just telling us all about his daughter's wedding [Winston] Only Immediate family [Mrs. Halloran] Excuse me? [Winston] The kids will be inviting only- Immediate family Oh, that's what they said But I know what they meant I don't have to be hit in the head To see through to their true intent To exclude a certain Uncle Just because his branch on the family tree Is a wee bit *bent* [Aggie] (tense) Winston, have some fish [Winston] Was there ever a truer gesture of familial love? Passing you a platter While they tell you you don't matter Immediate family! Those folks you sometimes hate But have to suck it up and tolerate Immediate family The ones who get to treat you bad Because, no matter what they do You can bet you're stuck with them And Much to their obvious regret They're stuck with you Don't you agree, Mrs. Hannigan? [Aggie] (angry) Could we discuss this later? [Winston] YES, WE COULD. But why put off 'til tomorrow what we've avoided until today? I never thought I'd live to see the day My own sister Would turn her back on me this way But I've seen lots of other families do it So it's not like I'm a stranger to it Keith, my business partner Of almost two years Would bury his face in my lap Oh, yes, he would And soak my crotch with tears Because, though they occasionally phoned him His family had basically disowned him And do you know why? [Mrs. Halloran] Oh, I'm sure I couldn't guess [Winston] Well, of course you could, Mrs. Hooligan! But you would have had to have lived an entirely different life. No, you see, Keith - like me - is a "confirmed bachelor Uncle"—and confirmed or not, "bachelor Uncles" are apparently to be kept outside! Outside. Like the family dog [Janey] You're not the only one, we're not inviting any Aunts or Uncles! [Mrs. Halloran] No Aunts or Uncles?! [Janey] It'll just be immediate family [Mr. Halloran] You never said anything like that! [Ralph] I told you that! I absolutely did, right off! [Mrs. Halloran] Ridiculous! [Mr. Halloran] Who has a wedding without relatives?! [Mrs. Halloran] Aunt Velma would be distraught! And what about Granny?! [Winston] Oh, poor, poor Granny [Ralph] It's our wedding, and we'll do what we like! [Mr. Halloran] Well, if you wanna make us feel left out, why don't you just elope? [Ralph] Don't tempt me! [Mrs. Halloran] Ralph Halloren! [Mr. Halloran] Young man, we will talk about this at home! [Winston] Believe me, I feel for you, Mrs. Hasenpfeffer! I myself tried to avoid this- Den of domesticity And the ugliness beneath To find a bit of comfort With the aforementioned Keith But, poisoned by wedding madness And envy of those who espouse He issued a demand that we keep house! He accused me of living here to avoid personal entanglements! Do you know what I told *him*? "You're not as dumb as you look!" [Mr. Halloran] Well, I think I've had enough of this [Winston] YOU, how about ME?! Fifty years I've avoided Co-habitual mess Only to be derailed by this "Niagara Falls Express" I told the silly son of a bitch, The only house people like US get to keep is in the Pouf Ward of a padded palace! Period! [Janey] (to Aggie) Can't you say something?! [Aggie] Winston! STOP (pause) [Winston] I have broken the vow of silence. It's straight to Hell without supper for me—so if you will kindly remove your peas and posteriors, I will take to the cloistered confines of my secret shame [Mrs. Halloran] Excuse me? [Winston] No, excuse *me*- (pointing at the couch whereon she sits) -that's my bed you're sitting on! [Mrs. Halloran] Oh! I had no idea, I'm so sorry! [Winston] My, but you're a breath of fresh air, Mrs. Homonym! I feel like I can tell you anything! [Ralph] YOU CAN'T (Winston sweeps her up to dance) [Winston] Shall we! Immediate family Can have such narrow minds You'd think their heads were up their behinds (The Hallorans gather up their things) Immediate family Will let you know you don't belong In not-so-subtle little ways And never let you forget That you are forever in their debt (The Hallorans and Ralph exit) But wait, I'm not nearly finished yet! Let's toast our fiancés! And immediate family! When I think of the petty Annoying Disloyal Immediate family I define Well, I'm not one to whine So here's the bottom line Though you say I'm Not Your immediate family You Are Surely Mine!