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Another commercial I found a while back, first on an airline flight magazine, then in the San Francisco Chronicle, and now they're— they're running this ad in places like, uh, travel magazines that kids aren't likely to leaf through, like Sunset or something like that. What we have here is, um, kind of a Maria McKee lookalike, with shorter hair that's appropriately mussed up for MTV, we have an old high school letter jacket on and she has an angry look on her face. Sh- uh, facially, she kind of looks like, uh, she might be 28, 30 years old, had her jaw fixed and a nose job to look like Margaux Hemingway, and it says above the model: "Julie's 14 and headed nowhere. What's next? Julie is 14, unmotivated, angry and rebellious. She is failing in school, and associating with undesirable friends. She is unresponsive to parental guidance. They don't know where to turn for help. If you have a daughter like Julie, there is an answer. The parents of girls and boys with difficult problems need special help. The Heritage School in Provo, Utah will deal with manipulation, teach responsibility, motivate, and change rebellious behavior." They even have an 800 number to prove it. There's several of these schools kickin' around all over, there's Baptist Bible camps in the South down lonely roads so nobody ever looks what's going on there, one person I know, he was kidnapped by two plain-clothes people from a BART, rapid transit train station, and put on a commercial airliner and taken to Utah. He wasn't released for two years. He also told me that some of the other people there had been sent from places like Beverly Hills and their crime was "bad grades." This is for him, and it's called May All Your Dreams Be Wonderful. Something's wrong with you. You hate us. You're so mixed up and weird. A danky old maid on Phil Donahue confirmed our fears. It's that devil rock music you and your friends listen to. She says a drug-happy shrink or military school will fix you. Our dime store books on problem families say it's true. You say you want respect? What you need is discipline. First we got the punk and heavy metal handbook from the Back In Control Training Center in Fullerton. We learned what you were up to. We learned you could be a hardcore punk, a skinhead punk, a skate punk, a peace punk, a suicidal punk, and a cult punk or a pop punk or a weirdo! And we learned signs of occult behavior include black t-shirts. That Raiders jersey has to go. Those high top tennis shoes you wear at basketball practice, those too. Get 'em out of here, it says so. Right in this well-researched manual put together by two probation officers in Orange County, for Back In Control Training Center. This is real! This thing is real and judges force kids to go here. We know about occult animals and colors, they list here. Cat, donkey, eagle, our national symbol, frog, turn off The Muppets Show right now! Silver is the occult metal, that's why we eat with plastic picnic forks now. So, we're following their rules to de-punk and de-metal in the family. Do not dress in any style that represents punk or heavy metal. Do not wear hair dyed or cut in any style that represents punk rock or heavy metal. Do not associate with punk rockers. Do not wear punk or— rock or heavy metal accessories. Obtain permission to be out of the home and keep parents informed of whereabouts at all times. It says here, if you don't go to class, we'll just follow you to class. Do not wear your hair in any fashion that will be disruptive to fellow classmates. Do not wear any jewelry that could cause disturbance or conflict among students. Signs of occult graffiti. "Occult graffiti," this is a quote now, "is frequently placed underground, under bridges, in flood control channels, and under freeway overpasses. Why? To be closer to Hell and the Devil!" If you can't afford a ladder when you go spray painting at age 16, it's the Devil's fault! Just ask the experts! Ask the experts! Among the, uh, symbols of the occult, they have, of course, the Ozzy logo. They have a peace symbol. We say bring back the peace symbol, but the experts here say it's a "broken cross upside down with arms broken to mock Christianity." Another occult symbol they list here is the Jewish Star of David. Yes. Yep. Yes way, there it is, right there in the manual. And below that, you ever see Wide World of Sports absurdities where they have University of Texas against the Arkansas Razorbacks with all their fans with their "How 'Bout Them Hogs" shirts and stuff? You notice the Texas fans all go Hook 'em Horns. Haha, horns of the Devil! Two f— two fingers up is a denial of the Trinity! Three fingers down with gesture means six-sixty-six. May All Your Dreams Be Wonderful, act two. You say you want respect? What you need is discipline. So we're shipping you off to a private barbed-wire reform school that's exempt from prison regulations because it masquerades as an educational concentration camp. Twenty grand a year is a small price to pay to avoid talking straight with our kids. May all your dreams be wonderful at prison camp, honey dear. We're destroying you just to save you, so you'll even like living here. Once the beaver, always the beaver. And don't forget to write! Welcome to Provo Canyon, you little asshole. We're going to be seeing a lot of each other. Now, go to that room where these big dudes are and put on these orange pajamas right now. And then sit still and be totally silent and do that every day for one whole week, while the big dudes stand and watch you. Submit and behave and then you can move on to your hours. Two hundred and fifty hours standing perfectly still, silently in our pale white room, or else! One wrong move and it's the lie detector again, and another trip to solitary in our four-by-four-by-four foot cell. The only TV you get here, Jack, is church programs on Sunday. We won't even let you think what you want. We won't even let you think what you want. May All Your Dreams Be Wonderful, act three. See that cute darling kid in the third grade picture? That's our child. That's what he'll be like when he comes home from reform school. Rewired and cured. I'll bet he'll finally learn to get his own Pepsi! Once the beaver— once the beaver, aha... once the beaver, always the beaver! Twenty grand a year is a small price to pay to avoid talking straight with our kids. And now, you've come home calm as a zombie. A model student in school! You've learned to like desks and let us pick your friends. Your old pals say you've come back home a broken shell, but you'll thank us for all this one day. We know. Bet you'll send your own kids there when they steal your favorite handgun. We're so glad you're not a person anymore, just a good citizen. We like you better as our rugby shirt pet. We like you better when you're easy to use. Once the beaver, always the beaver. Twenty grand a year is a small price to pay to avoid talking straight with our kids.