Reluctant Aversion

Song Meaning

The lyrics paint a picture of profound inertia and a struggle with self-definition. The opening lines, "The beginning that never started / The end that always is," immediately establish a sense of stasis, a perpetual present that offers no forward momentum. This feeling is compounded by the narrator's inability to articulate their internal state, a "sorrowful and sedate" frustration with their own "ability to communicate." The sense is of being trapped in a loop, unable to initiate or escape. The core tension here is the narrator's passive experience of existence, particularly their relationship with time. Time isn't something they possess or control; rather, "Time had me," dictating their movements and transformations. This external force leads to the central self-identification: "I a reluctant aversion." It's a powerful phrase suggesting a deep-seated resistance to their own being, a feeling of being pushed into existence without agency or a clear sense of self. The most striking aspect of the writing is the personification of time as an active, almost violent force. Phrases like "pushed me here and there," "took me transplanted me / Transformed me transported me" highlight a complete lack of self-direction. The narrator feels entirely shaped by external circumstances, leading to the poignant admission, "I never stood my ground / I was always undefined." This lack of a fixed identity is presented not as a choice, but as a consequence of being swept along by life's currents. Ultimately, these lyrics resonate because they capture a universal feeling of being overwhelmed and adrift. The narrator's struggle to understand their own identity in the face of relentless external pressures and the passage of time is palpable. The raw, almost desperate questioning, "Why should I be myself?" cuts to the heart of an existential crisis, making the feeling of being a "reluctant aversion" deeply, if uncomfortably, familiar.