Eating in Baltimore (How to Make a Pop Song)

Lyrics

I'm gonna make a beat for it, we're gonna make it good for ears.​ I always forget to make it good for ears.​ *drum beat starts* There we go, hear that? Everybody likes this. This is- *beat stops* See, I'm gonna teach you guys- here- here's what I'll do: I'll make it up to everybody by teaching everybody everything I know about pop music.​ We're gonna just do a seminar, alright? I wish I had a PowerPoint.​ So, this is how you make a pop song, you have to go like this: *beat starts again joined by chords* *beat stops* Alright, wait, no, that was too quick, here, I'm gonna start from scratch.​ *drum bеat reverts* Alright, and make surе there's a little lag.​ Oh, look at that, alright, so...​ Next, you're gonna want one of the little "tss, tss" things Drummers call them "hi-hats".​ *hi-hats join beat* There it is.​ Ah, yeah.​ Alright. Now, if you had a drummer, and he was a session drummer, and they put this track down, you can tell 'em: "Get outta here! Go home!", 'cause this is all you need.​ Everything's taken care of.​ Now you get that guy, the bassist in, he's a weirdo, right? Everybody knows a bassist, right? Heh, weeeiiiiird! I love bassists.​ You can talk to a bassist for hours. They'll say, um, Jaco Pastorius, and where's the bathroom.​ I'm still singing about Baltimore food, but I'm gonna tell you guys the secrets, this is the secrets, this is- *beat stops* These are the twenty- Top 20 Ways to Become Pop Music Star 2018.​ Number 7 will blow your mind.​ *drum beat returns* So what you wanna create is basically the best bassline in the entire world, and I'm gonna tell you guys exactly what that is.​ It's called: An Octave.​ And what we're gonna do is we're gonna disco-bounce it.​ So, what we're gonna do is we're gonna take a C, 'cause middle C is the easiest, and what you wanna do is just make it easy on yourself 'cause this stuff gets hard really fast.​ So anyways... *bassline joins drum beat* That's what we're doin' here. You got just one octave. Bottom C, and then, C4... I don't know, who's- who's a music theory nerd in here? What am I doing? I don't know what I'm doing! Tell some- tell a friend what I'm doing. I have no clue.​ Alright, so I'm gonna just like lay this down as a recorded track and we're gonna keep layering it up and make the best pop song ever made.​ Okay.​ Something I'd like to mention really quickly, um... Aw, I completely forgot what I was gonna say. Alright.​ Back into it.​ So everyone- everyone's- you know, the- you get that little- Oh, you know what- *beat stops* I remember what I was gonna say.​ You gotta make sure the bass and the drums really- *chef's kiss* aw, *licks fingers* same, same exact sounds.​ Everybody, round of applause- applau- accrause for Pris.​ Round of applause for Chris! Everybody's helping me today, everyone's the best.​ I'll get- I'll buy that guy a drink later.​ I'll get two drinks! He's thirsty.​ So thenyways... Guys, when you're making a band and you're making pop sounds, make sure that the bassist and drummer know each other really well and they're pretty tight, y'know? Get 'em close enough you take a picture of 'em, and then they're in the same picture, 'cause they need to make the same sounds, like, super good.​ It doesn't matter if the guitarist is in like Milwaukee, it's cool.​ You just need that drummer and bass- Steady drum and bass- We're learning the Tree of Music! These are the roots of music.​ Drum and bass start it all.​ And that's what you're hearing in three,​ *beat returns* Music was invented in the '80s.​ Now as we branch off into the wonderful trees of music, we're going to start hearing things that are reminiscent to things that we've already heard.​ And that's- don't even get discouraged by that, because- I mean- you know, c'mon, everything's already been made, it's fine.​ All my songs are ghostwritten by me.​ Alright, and I was born, like, ten times already, it's fine.​ Just don't worry about it.​ If you ever get anxious, uh, just make a bassline.​ *plays synth chords* Now what you're hearing here is a bit of midsection​.​ And that's gonna have some rhythmic elements to it.​ You're gonna make it nice and clicky.​ Like, if you really wanna get clicky with it, let me see if I can get another rhythm in there- *plays faster chords* See, see how I couldn't like, goof around while I was doing that? That's why keyboardists are so boring.​ Like, they're always just like- *plays melody on keyboard* They're- they're doing precise work, they're doing- They're doing God's work.​ So anyways, I'm gonna lay down that crazy one there.​ *plays fast chords again* *music stops* Now we basically have the whole thing here, it's really done, like, pack it and ship it, we're done.​ We just made a pop phenomenon.​ Here's- here's something nuts. Here's something absolu- This is a hundred percent true too.​ Like, they're- they're a ton of songs, I learned- I learned they put songs through testing, like- like in factory testing, they put it through, like a hundred beta tester people, and they all listen to these songs, I'm- I'm not kidding you, this is a real thing, like, they do this with like, the Top 40 songs.​ They make them listen to it, and they- they give it an arbitrary number between one and one hundred, where they put the- they put this down, and you look at like, all the scores of those, and then you sent them out into their like, individual networks.​ I'm teaching you guys something about the biz right now, this is nuts.​ This is insane, they have the rodent people listening, through the little headphones! I've never had mine grace their ears yet. Yet! I'll find a way in. But I'm- I'm gonna get my numbers.​ They had, y'know, like the- what's the- Hotline Bling was like, seventy six or something. Worldwide hit.​ Think about it.​ Just think about it.​ Before you go to sleep; think about it.​ Adele scored really high.​ *music returns* Alright.​ But the moral of that story is, it doesn't matter at all how good your song is! And I'm not saying anything bad about those people that got in the Top 40. I'm saying, it's all about, um- *musics stops* It's all about gratitude, guys.​ (Fuck yeah!) It's all about appreciating what- what- what you have already. You know? When- when two people made the same scoring song on that test, and Drake- Drake's Hotline Bling made it to the tippy-top, do you know why? Do you guys know the difference just between him and- and, uh... Scotty McSunshine? Who made a song that also got a seventy six? Do you? What's your name? Maria.​ Maria, do you know why? Uhh... No.​ It's 'cause, Drake had gratitude.​ (He was on Degrassi!) Hey, he was on Degrassi! What's- what's Degrassi sound like? What word does it sound like? Gratitude.​ Gratitude.​ She gets it. We all got it.​ Everybody, round of applause for, um, ma- Maria.​ A good pop song is all about- What is it? Say it! 4 letters! You and me know it, It's all about time: LOVE! YEAH! Hoo-hoo! Who said that? Get up here! No! Okay! Yo, c'mere, just c'mere.​ I'm comin'! Forrest,​ I know this guy; This is Forrest Salsa from SPISH! Guys, give a round of applause for Forrest! (Whoo!) Forrest is gonna be the- the chorus singer.​ That really is clear milk! It's clear milk! I thought it was water! I'm not lying.​ Never tell lies if you're gonna be a pop singer.​ So anyways, this next song is gonna be called: The love between... No, Love... Love- Love sofa! That one- okay- now let's- let's- Love candle! Love candle? Love candle? Burnin' in my life? We're gonna throw three out there! We're gonna beta test this one here... Alright, let's hear- let's hear the- the murmur for 'Love Candle'? *crowd agrees mildly* 'Love Bucket'? *crowd cheers strongly* Okay, wow, that already won, alright, so- The chorus, Forrest, I'm gonna need you to sing the chorus.​ I'm gonna hand you the microphone... Okay.​ And the chorus is gonna be: Love bucket, Ooh! Okay! Love bucket, Ooh! Can everybody sing along with Forrest too? (Yeah!) Okay then, I'm gonna teach everyone one more time, including you, Forrest, you gotta remember this, ready? Yeah.​ It's gonna be that first, like, Boo! Love bucket, Ooh!! Love bucket, Ooh! And then, at the end of each one,​ Love bucket, Ooh! *claps twice* It's important. Everybody needs to hit that.​ Guys, we're gonna- we're gonna get this. We're gonna get this right.​ Do I have to sing it like Jack Stauber, do I have to go- *imitating Jack Stauber* Love bucket, Ooh! You gotta do more than that.​ More?! Absolutely. We're all gonna be going nuts, but everybody, it's: Love bucket, Ooh! *all clap* Awesome. Everyone's got it, we're fine. We're gonna hit- we're just gonna jump into this thing.​ Jack, hold on right there, just gotta talk to you in the, uh- *incomprehensible* Guy's, everybody at the count of three, let's all say: "You can do it Forrest because it's not a big deal and it's- uh- after this everything's gonna be fine and we're gonna go to Dairy Queen", ready? One, Two, Three: You can do it Forrest, it's gonna be fine, and afterwards we're all gonna go get Dairy Queen! Okay! Awesome... (You're gonna wake up tomorrow!) (After this it's gonna be fine!) He's gonna wake up tomorrow morning.​