Lyrics

Acquiring marijuana There are four basic methods of acquiring marijuana Buying it, growing it, receiving it as a gift And stealing it Buying marijuana: (Yeah?) I like to buy a big bottle of root beer please (Okay) And a copy of Playboy (Alright) And some, um, pistachio nuts (Here) Could I have a cleaner copy of playboy please? (Huh? Oh yeah I'm sorry, it's kids) And a package of marijuana please (Mexican, Vietnamese, or domestic?) Umm Mexican (Flip top, flat box, soft pack, or bulk?) I'll take bulk Thank you (Alright that comes to uh, that'll be $2.15) $2.15? Growing marijuana: Mary, Mary quite contrary! How doth your garden grow! Really great where there's no heat And usually best when I put the seeds about a half inch underground Water lightly once a week And hope for the best! Receiving marijuana as a gift: Getting grass as a gift is probably the nicest way of all of acquiring it Here are a number of methods guaranteed to get you free grass Be very very nice to everyone you meet Or Look for people who are smoking grass Go over and stand next to them as quietly as possible And look wistful If they give you any be sure to say thank you Or Become a narcotics officer Or Be a very beautiful girl with large breasts And, if none if these methods work Then, whenever you're taking a walk Look on the ground for rolled up baggies with a rubber band around them Stealing marijuana: Now here's the main method for acquiring yourself some free grass You just creep on someone and go "Hey!" "Say, what happened?" "Look up there!" And you cop that grass "No!" And split! The effects of marijuana: The first time a person tries to get stoned He may not feel any effect whatsoever Many people, even Methodists Find that after smoking for hours Particulary with good grass They'll still fell absolutely no effect the first two or three times For them, we recommend needlepoint, weightlifting (Ahh!) Or any of the traditional methods of reaching Nirvana (Ow!) (I can lift 347 pounds over my head but still nobody likes me!) We believe that except for a few weirdos here and there Everybody can feel the effects of grass Fortunately all the barriers which keep a person from getting high Are easily overcome once you know them The first barrier to overcome Is the belief that smoking grass gives one a kick It does not! You do not get a "kick" nor a rush from grass The second barrier is That there's no way to know how you're supposed to feel So you don't know what to look for And the third barrier is a roadblock "Your papers please!" "Um, I only have a pipe man" "Then you better come with me"