Das Deutschrap Lexikon

Lyrics

[Sound of a phone dial tone. A click as someone on the other end picks up.] [Receptionist] Hello, the Devil's Office! [H. Jon Benjamin] Yes, um, hi. [Receptionist] How can I help you? [H. Jon Benjamin] I'd like to, uh, sell my soul. [Receptionist] ...Is that all? [H. Jon Benjamin] ...Yes. [Receptionist] Hold, please. [The line immediately goes to soft rock hold music. It cuts back:] [Manager] Hello, Soul Selling Division! [H. Jon Benjamin] Sorry, I-- Oh, wait, is this the same woman I just spoke to? [Manager] No. We all sound like this in hell. [H. Jon Benjamin] Oh. [Manager] You are interested in selling your soul? [H. Jon Benjamin] Yes, I am. [Manager] What state? [H. Jon Benjamin] New York. [Manager] ZIP Code? [H. Jon Benjamin] 10003 [Sound of keyboard clacking.] [Manager] I have an opening Thursday between 11 and 1. [H. Jon Benjamin] Oh, uh, yeah, that'll work. [Manager] Meet at The Crossroads. [H. Jon Benjamin] ...Wait, the Crossroads is in Mississippi, I-- I live in New York City. [Manager] The Crossroads Trading Company on 26th. It's a woman's consignment shop. [H. Jon Benjamin] Oh! Um... [Manager] The Devil likes to keep up the old "meet at the crossroads" thing. [H. Jon Benjamin] Uh... Okay, uh, thanks. Do I need to bring anything? [Manager] Please avoid any food or liquids for at least two hours before the meeting. The Devil will appear as a decidedly modest-looking Indian man, thin, mid-30s, in a brown jacket. Thank you for choosing the Devil! [Dead line sound] [H. Jon Benjamin] ...Thank you. [Sounds of traffic.] [H. Jon Benjamin] Hey, uh... The Devil? [The Devil] Yes, Jon! How are you? [H. Jon Benjamin] Good! I'm here to, uh... to sell you my soul. [The Devil] What do you wanna sell your soul for, Jon? [H. Jon Benjamin] Well, um, I'm making an album where I play jazz piano, but I can't play jazz piano. [The Devil] ...Okay. [H. Jon Benjamin] And I want it to be great. [The Devil] You know... I just don't buy any soul? [H. Jon Benjamin] So, wait, you won't...? [The Devil] You know when you go to a Farmer's Market and you wanna buy an avocado... [H. Jon Benjamin] Okay. [The Devil] You find the one that looks good. That, when you squeeze it, you get a good vibe, and you take that home. [H. Jon Benjamin] Right. [The Devil] But you don't buy all the avocados. [H. Jon Benjamin] I mean, I'm not a big avocado fan, so I don't even... But I guess I see what you're s-- [The Devil] You don't like avocados? [H. Jon Benjamin] I like guacamole, I just... [The Devil] Yeah. [H. Jon Benjamin] ...didn't eat a lot of big... [The Devil] Nah, that's okay. [H. Jon Benjamin] I don't ever buy, I-- [The Devil] How-- How long have you been playing the piano now? [H. Jon Benjamin] Well, I-- I have never... played before. [The Devil] ...Are you fucking serious? Like, you've never even played at all and you're immediately jumping to selling your soul? [H. Jon Benjamin] Man, that's the whole point of coming to you! What--? [The Devil] What the fuck--? No, no! People come to me after they've been playing their whole life, and they're like, "This is my passion, and-- and I wanna be a master at it!" And then I'm like, "Okay, that's-- You know, you put in the time." [H. Jon Benjamin] I mean, I was under the impression that it was a quick fix thing. [The Devil] I-- Usually, the whole soul-selling thing more of a last resort than the first step. [H. Jon Benjamin] Well, I-- That's-- I didn't know that, like, I'm not gonna go-- I have to make the album tomorrow, I am not psycho-- [The Devil] How do you think it works? I mean, you gotta have some level of skill for me to make you, like, a master player. [H. Jon Benjamin] I don't have time to-- [flounders] to try and learn a little bit how to play the piano just so I can come back to you in five years and say "Now I'm, like, mediocre, can you make me good?" That's not fair. [The Devil] I don't know what to tell you. I-- I mean, I gave you my Farmer's Market analogy. I feel like that's a great analogy. Couldn't be clearer. [H. Jon Benjamin] So, there's nothing I can do to sell you my soul? [Beat.] [The Devil] Start sucking my dick, right now. [Beat.] [The Devil] Start sucking my dick. Right now. [H. Jon Benjamin] Alright, forget it. Thank you very much, I don't-- I'm not interested. [The Devil] I was just fucking around! You think I-- You-- That you would suck my dick and then I'd wink at you, and then you could play jazz piano? [H. Jon Benjamin] You're the Devil! What else am I supposed to do? [The Devil] I don't even have a dick! What were you gonna suck? [H. Jon Benjamin] Forget it, forget it, thank you, forget it. [Sound of cars passing by.]