Charity’s Soliloquy

Lyrics

[CHARITY] Can I remember how this song and dance began? Yes, I can, damn right I can It began, well, anyway, you see There was this man Who stopped and asked me if I knew Which way was Lexington Avenue He said: "I'm going to Bloomingdale's" I said: "I'm going to Bloomingdale's" So we hoofed over to Bloomingdale's [CHARITY, spoken] He wanted to buy some jockey shorts.  [CHARITY] Then he said: "Miss, would you like a cup of tea Or maybe some Seven-Up? I left the tip, picked up the tab For the jockey shorts and thе taxi cab [CHARITY, spoken] He dropped me off and I burnеd! Boy! Let that be a lesson to you.  [CHARITY] Lower the boom, girl! Lower the boom! But what can you do when he knocks on your door 'Cause they locked him out of his furnished room [CHARITY, spoken] So, he moves in! He moves in with the jockey shorts in a paper bag Nothing else! [CHARITY] He needs toothpaste And a toothbrush and pajama tops He needs razor blades, a razor, and a comb! Several! He needs sistering and brothering And fathering and mothering He needs a hat to hang up in my flat And call it home! In no time at all I find we're very much in love And I'm blushing like a sentimental slob And he's kissing me and hugging me And all the time he's bugging me To go out and try to find myself A better paying job! Comes July, it's ninety-eight degrees He wants a coat Wants a fur-lined coat, fur collar, cuffs, the works! While I really didn't begrudge it When I figured out my budget For that coat I had to dance With something like eleven hundred jerks! Now comes February, ten degrees I need a coat Need a coat to walk his poodle that I bought So he gives me his old sweatshirt, a muffler, and a [?] And I give to him the bronchial pneumonia that I caught Then I give him Pocket money, poker money Smoking money, skating money Bowling money, movie money Hair-cut money, shoe-shine money Money for a bill from Louie's bar Money for a bill from Maxie's bar Money for a bill from Charlie's bar But will he ask for subway money? No, he won't want subway money [CHARITY, spoken] 'Cause it turns out the bum wants to go to Florida. C'mon down! [CHARITY] Now hear this And get this Oh Susannah! Amen This big fat heart Ain't gonna be torn apart Ever, ever, ever again! Ole!