Blue Football

Lyrics

"I'm a blue football!" said Timothy Frears "No, you're not," said his father and kicked him upstairs "I'm a blue football!" his mother was told "I'm rubber inside and I'm sixty years old!" "If you're rubber inside," his mother announced "I can't understand why you've never been bounced." So she opened the window and threw him below Down into the garden, and whaddya know? He bounced down the pathway and over the gate And he bounced on a bus, Number 148 He bounced up and down for a while on the top And only bounced off when the bus had to stop It stopped at the palace. He bounced very hard Right over the railings and way past the guard The sentries could scarcely believe what they''d seen When Timothy landed on top of the Queen She was combing her locks when he dropped on her head "I'm sorry, Your Majesty," Timothy said "But I'm a blue football, I'm rubber inside." "Of course you are, dear," the good lady replied "You must meet my husband, he'd love to meet you The duke's keen on footballs, especially blue." She sent off some servants, the Duke was soon found And the Queen and the Duke kicked him gently around "Goodness me!" said the Queen when the game was all done "Kicking blue footballs is really great fun! After all of that kicking, it's only polite To give you some tea and make you a knight!" She pulled on a bell on a long silken cord And ordered some scones and her best knighting sword And after they all had had plenty to eat Young Timothy knelt at the queen's royal feet She dubbed him Sir Timothy Football the First But the sword on his shoulder made Timothy burst He flew into pieces all over the room The queen smiled faintly and summoned a groom "Those swords are too sharp!" she said to the man "Get all my best doctors as quick as you can!" The doctors arrived with their needles and thread And sewed him together, his chest and his head His arms and his legs and his knees and his feet And in under an hour, he was nearly complete But one piece was missing, and the Duke said, "Oh dear! You'll have to go home without your left ear!" "Are you sure you had both when you came?" asked the queen "Never mind" said Sir Tim. "It's just one less to clean." Apart from one ear he was quite good as new The doctors advised him just what he should do: Eat plenty of yogurt, fresh raisins, and yeast And cut down on bouncing for two weeks at least The queen shook his hand and climbed into her car She was meeting her chieftain from West Zanzibar The Duke waved goodbye and said, "Never fear! I promise I'll keep an eye out for your ear." His mother and father asked where he had been So he told them about being kicked by the queen And how he had burst when she made him a knight How the doctors had seen him together all right They couldn't believe him, but did think it queer That he should come home with only one ear Then seven days later, a messenger came And asked for Sir Timothy Football by name "I've got an ear here, the object was found By Her Majesty's corgi whilst sniffing around So please ascertain if this ear is the one And then we can get it back onto you, son." When they came back from the doctor's that night Sir Timothy said, "You see, I was right I am a blue football and rubber inside." "So you are," said his father, his voice filled with pride "And your mother and I must be footballs as well." And they all started bouncing. That's all there's to tell