Master of the House

Lyrics

[DRINKER 3] Come on, you old pest [DRINKER 2] Fetch a bottle of your best [DRINKER 1] What's the nectar of the day? [TH�NARDIER] Here, try this lot Guaranteed to hit the spot Or I'm not Th�nardier [DRINKER 4] Give us a glass of rum [DRINKER 5] Landlord, over here! [TH�NARDIER to himself, then to customer] Right away, you scum Right away, monsieur [DINER 1] God, this place has gone to hell [DINER 2] So you tell me every year [DINER 3] Mine host Th�nardier He was there so they say At the field of Waterloo [DINER 4] Got there, it's true When the fight was all through [DINER 3] But he knew just what to do Crawling through the mud, so I've heard it said Picking through the pockets of the English dead [DINER 4] He made a tidy score From the spoils of war [TH�NARDIER] My band of soaks My den of dissolutes My dirty jokes My always pissed-as-newts My sons of whores Spend their lives in my inn Homing pigeons homing in They fly through my doors And their money's good as yours [DINER 5] Ain't got a clue What he put into this stew Must have scraped it off the street [DRINKER 6] God, what a wine! Ch�teauneuf de Turpentine Must have pressed it with his feet [DRINKER 5] Landlord, over here [DRINKER 6] Where's the bloody man? One more for the road [DRINKER 5] One more slug of gin [DRINKER 7] Just one more Or my old man is gonna do me in [TH�NARDIER, greeting a new customer] Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down And meet the best innkeeper in town As for the rest, all of 'em crooks Rooking their guests and cooking the books Seldom do you see Honest men like me A gent of good intent Who's content to be Master of the house, doling out the charm Ready with a handshake and an open palm Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir Customers appreciate a bon viveur Glad to do a friend a favor Doesn't cost me to be nice But nothing gets you nothing Everything has got a little price! Master of the house, keeper of the zoo Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two Watering the wine, making up the weight Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight Everybody loves a landlord Everybody's bosom friend I do whatever pleases Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end! [TH�NARDIER & ENSEMBLE] Master of the house, quick to catch your eye Never wants a passerby to pass him by Servant to the poor, a butler to the great Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate Everybody's boon companion Everybody's chaperone [TH�NARDIER] But lock up your valises Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone! [TH�NARDIER greets another customer and takes his bag.] Enter Monsieur, lay down your load Unlace your boots and rest from the road This weighs a ton, travel's a curse But here we strive to lighten your purse Here the goose is cooked Here the fat is fried But nothing's overlooked Till I'm satisfied Food beyond compare, food beyond belief Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat Filling up the sausages with this and that Residents are more than welcome Bridal suite is occupied Reasonable charges Plus some little extras on the side Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice Two percent for looking in the mirror twice Here a little slice, there a little cut Three percent for sleeping with the window shut When it comes to fixing prices There are a lot of tricks he knows How it all increases, all the bits and pieces Jesus, it's amazing how it grows! [TH�NARDIER & ENSEMBLE] Master of the house, quick to catch your eye Never wants a passerby to pass him by Servant to the poor, a butler to the great Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate Everybody's boon companion Give 'em everything I've / he's got [TH�NARDIER] Dirty bunch of geezers Jesus, what a sorry little lot [MADAME TH�NARDIER] I used to dream that I would meet a prince But God almighty, have you seen what's happened since? "Master of the house" isn't worth my spit! "Comforter, philosopher" and lifelong shit Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire Thinks he's quite a lover, but there's not much there What a cruel trick of nature Landed me with such a louse God knows how I've lasted Living with this bastard in the house! [TH�NARDIER & ENSEMBLE] Master of the house [MADAME TH�NARDIER] Master and a half [TH�NARDIER & ENSEMBLE] Comforter, philosopher [MADAME TH�NARDIER] Don't make me laugh! [TH�NARDIER & ENSEMBLE] Servant to the poor, a butler to the great [MADAME TH�NARDIER] Hypocrite and toady and inebriate [TH�NARDIER & ENSEMBLE] Everybody bless the landlord Everybody bless his spouse [TH�NARDIER] Everybody raise a glass [MADAME TH�NARDIER] Raise it up the master's ass [TH�NARDIER, MADAME TH�NARDIER & ENSEMBLE] Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house