Handjob, Blandjob, I Don’t Understand Job

Lyrics

[Intro] Handjob, blandjob, I don't understand job [Verse 1] [Garfunkel] I've got a problem and I can't contain it I'll use my icky-sticky rhymes to help me explain it Handy Js are like Stonehenge to me Robert Stack can't even unsolve this mystery [Oates] I'm the messed up child of a baby boomer I was in the gifted class but a total late bloomer Now I got a secret to get off my chest Went from kissing to sex but never learned the rest [Garfunkel] In high school, I was in the marching band Not learning what to do with my hand While other girls were dripping like a Jackson Pollock I blossomed later than Mayim Bialik [Oates] I'm investigating bones like Deschanel Trying to make it stand up like Dave Chappelle When I stare down the barrel of a semi-hard dick I feel more singled out than Chris Hardwick [Garfunkel] I studied Bach, Jacques Chirac, and Isaac Asimov But I wasn't on the ski bus jerking people off Wouldn't let you touch my chest like you're VapoRubbing Vicks in Let alone deep throat your Tricky Dick Nixon [Oates] I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know How to HJ your L.B. Johnson Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson [Garfunkel] I should've explored New Frontiers like Wil Wheaton But I was more conservative than Alex P. Keaton I've fallen into crisis just like the Dow I wanna give a handjob but I don't know how [Chorus] Handjob, blandjob, I don't understand job Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop? [Verse 2] [Oates] Now I'm on a full-blown investigation To unlock the secrets of ejaculation I need a translator like I'm reading Balzac To crack the Rosetta Stone over your ball sack [Garfunkel] The top is the part that confuses me the most It looks like a Silly Putty Pac-Man ghost Sometimes it's jello jiggling, sometimes it's denser But they all look like a Darth Vader Pez dispenser [Oates] Like Sam Jackson, I'm not as good with Shaft When it's soft and flabby like President Taft It's like a Deep South queen that you wanna make straight Will I make it upright if I move it like a Shake Weight? [Both] Move it like a Shake Weight Move it like a Shake Weight [Garfunkel] Now I'm pumping like brakes that aren't anti-lock Trying not to go Psycho on your Alfred Hitchcock I go a little faster and then I retard It's like a hamster that you don't wanna squeeze too hard [Oates] I'm working my hand 'til it gets arthritis I'll be holdin' 'til I get the Golden Touch of Midas "I think, therefore I am," getting my Descartes on 'Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-On [Garfunkel] But the biggest, throbbing question all's Seriously, what do you do with the balls? Do I roll 'em like dice, do I mold them like clay Do I tickle 'em like Elmo, or throw 'em like a partay? [Oates] Do I move 'em all around or cup it slow? They're the two bald critic puppets from the Muppet show Just sitting there cranky and superfluous [Both] How 'bout I don't touch them unless you insist? [Chorus] Handjob, blandjob, I don't understand job Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever touch the top? How can I learn when you always make me stop? [Outro] How can I learn when you always make me stop?