Don’t Eat The Yellow Snow/St. Alphonzo’s Pancake Breakfast (Live) [The Crux of the Biscuit]

Lyrics

One, two, three, four . . No, no, don't eat it No, no, don't eat it No, no, don't eat it No, no, don't eat it Dreamed I was an Eskimo Frozen wind began to blow Under my boots 'n around my toe Frost had bit the ground below And it was a hundred degrees below zero And my momma cried She said: Nanook, no no Save your money: don't go to the show And I turned around an' I said: HO HO An' the Northern Lites commenced t' glow An' she said: WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO AN' DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW SNOW WATCH OUT WHERE THE HUSKIES GO AN' DON'T YOU EAT THAT YELLOW SNOW Well right about that time, people A fur trapper Who was strictly from commercial (Strictly Commershil) Had the unmedicated audacity to hop up from behind my igyaloo (Peek-a-Boo Woo-ooo-ooo) And he started in to whippin' on my fav'rite baby seal With a lead-filled snow shoe . . I said: With a lead LEAD With a lead-filled LEAD-FILLED With a lead-filled snow shoe SNOW SHOE He said Peak-a-boo PEEK-A-BOO With a lead LEAD Filled LEAD-FILLED With a lead-filled snow shoe SNOW SHOE He said Peak-a-boo He said Peak-a-boo PEEK-A-BOO Of my favorite baby seal With a lead-filled snow shoe And he said Peak-a-boo to the baby seal with a lead-filled snow shoe An' he hit him on the head 'n he hit him on the fin An' he hit him on the nose 'n he hit him on the eye with a snow shoe An' he said Peak-a-boo You know that got me just about as evil as an Eskimo boy can be . . So I reached down with my special patented Nanook of the North whale blubber mitten An' I reached down 'n I scooped up a generous hand full— A mitten full of the deadly . . YELLOW SNOW The deadly Yellow Snow from right there where the huskies go And then I pounced And I pounced again And I pounced And I jumped up 'n down on the chest of the . . I got vicious with the fur trapper And I took my mitten full of deadly Yellow Snow flakes And I started rubbing it all into his beady little eyes With a vigorous circular motion Destined to supplant THE MUD SHARK In Sydney mythology, hey! Until finally this— Finally—oh, calm yourself, ladies and gentlemen Finally the evil fur trapper succumbed To the deadly yellow crystals And he said: I CAN'T SEE (I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY) I CAN'T SEE (I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY) OH WOE IS ME (I . . . I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY) WHAT IF THERE'S SOMETHING GOOD ON TV (I . . . I CAN'T SEE . . . TEMPORARILY) AND I CAN'T SEE TEMPORARILY (I . . .) He took a dog-doo sno-cone An' stuck it in my right eye He took a dog-doo sno-cone An' stuffed it in my other eye An' the huskie wee-wee I mean the doggie wee-wee Has blinded me Temporarily An' goddamn I can't see Well the fur trapper was in a terrible condition He couldn't see where he was going or nothing But it serves him right for pummeling the baby seal However he wanted to see War Of The Worlds No no, The Day The Earth Caught Fire on television that night Wouldn't miss it for the world But he couldn't see it And so he had to do something to fix himself up So he remembered an ancient legend of the North You don't know where that is, folks But an ancient legend of the North Land That says if anything bad happens to your eyes From an Eskimo You have to trudge across the tundra All the way from the Arctic Circle Down to the Columbia River delta And seek out The parish of Saint Alfonzo Patron saint of the smelt fishermen of Portuguese extraction And his only living representative here on Earth, folks Father Vivian O'Blivion, man of the cloth DUNT-DUN-DUN So the evil fur trapper starts Trudgin' across the tun-duh-ra An' he goes trudgin' across the tun-duh-ra Mile after mile Windy and whistling and dwindling his way Slowly but assuredly, yes yes, folks Down to Saint Alfonzo's parish and here's what happened . . Yes, here we are! At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast Where I stole the mar-juh-rene An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine I saw a handsome parish lady Make her entrance like a queen Why she was totally chenille And her old man was a Marine As she abused a sausage pattie And said why don't you treat me mean? (Hurt me) Hurt me! (Hurt me) Hurt me! (Hurt me, oooooh!) At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast (Good God!) (What you say?) Where I stole the mar-juh-rene . . Saint Alfonzo Saint Alfonzo Saint Alfonzo Saint Alfonzo Ooo-ooo . . Ah, Father Vivian O'Blivion Resplendent in his frock Was whipping up the batter For the pancakes of his flock He was looking rather bleary (He forgot to watch the clock) 'Cause the night before Behind the door A leprechaun had stroked his smock . . Set him off in such a frenzy He sang LOCK AROUND THE CROCK An' he topped it off with a . . An' he topped it off with a . . An' he topped it off with a . . WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO As he stumbled on his cock He was delighted as it stiffened Yeah, it ripped right through his sock Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me PROUD OF ME He shouted down the block Dominus Vo-bisque 'em Et come spear a tu-tu Won't you eat my sleazy pancakes Just for Saintly Alfonzo They're so light 'n fluffy-white We'll raise a fortune by tonite They're so light 'n fluffy-white We'll raise a fortune by tonite They're so light 'n fluffy-brown They're the finest in the town They're so light 'n fluffy-brown They're the finest in the town Good morning, your Highness Ooo-ooo-ooo I brought you your snow shoes Ooo-ooo-ooo Good morning, your Highness Ooo-ooo-ooo I brought you your snow shoes Very, very, very very fast At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast Where I stole the mar-juh-rene An' widdled on the Bingo Cards in lieu of the latrine I saw a handsome parish lady Make her entrance like a queen Why she was totally chenille And her old man was a Marine As she abused a sausage pattie And said why don't you treat me mean? (Hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, oooooh!) At Saint Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast (Ha!) (Good God!) (Feet on fire!) Where I stole Oh, lord, where I stole Where I, where I, where I Where I stole the mar-juh-rene . . Here's what I did I finally made my way into the pantry where they keep the stuff (You have to imagine that I'm the fur trapper, you understand, boys and girls) And I went in there and I found the box with the mar-juh-rene And I fumbled around for it And I could tell because it said Imperial on the package You don't know about that, but . . Raised lettering and aluminum covered cardboard package And I fondled the little crown on the packet And I said, this must be the stuff and I reached in there and I Pulled out a— Pulled out a chunk of it Rubbed a little on my right eye And I said, Mmmm . . . 'M' . . 'M' is for the mystery and the majesty of the mar-juh-rene And 'A' is for Australopithecus Which might have lived around here at one time or another And 'R' . . 'R' is for RATS, which is what lives in New York And then there's a hyphen Which is something that might be used for erotic gratification By a very desperate stenographer And then there's a 'J' Lord, lord, there is a 'J' There's 'M-A-R' and a hyphen and a 'J' And that 'J' stands for jubilation Juba, juba, juba 'Cause we need a little bit of that every day 'M-A-R-hyphen-J,' a 'U' And of course the 'U' always stands for you Each and everyone of you out there Because if you weren't there This place would be uninhabited which also starts with a 'U' And then we have an 'H' 'M-A-R-hyphen-J-U-H' 'H' is for horny in America, randy in Australia And then another hyphen This second hyphen could be used What could the second hyphen be used for? Lisa knows what to do with the second hyphen Ha ha . . She would hold the second hyphen with a pair of tweezers And administer acupuncture to some vital organ And eventually acupuncture will be big down here But not yet And then after the second hyphen there's another 'R' There's an 'R' that stands for . . (Raymond!) Raymond? Yes, it stands for Raymond Happy birthday, Raymond Raymond is our door prize tonight He wins a napkin And then there's an 'E' There's a big long, gigantic, long, extended, overwhelming Obnoxious, ubiquitous, comestible 'E' It's an 'E' to the nth degree And then there's an 'N' which is the 'N' of the nth degree of the 'E' that— 'E' that you just heard And then on the end of the mar-juh-rene It's a tiny weeny dwindling off Superficial, phlegmatic, uh . . It's—you wanna hear cosmic It's a cosmic 'E' It's a teeny weeny 'E' on the end of the mar-juh-rene And boy, you know, as soon as I had spelled mar-juh-rene And I took the stuff and rubbed it on my other eye I felt better right away I was healed Miraculous healing from the mar-juh-rene I, I stole the mar-juh-rene Well I admit it, I did it I, I stole the mar-juh-rene I admit it, I did it As soon as I had repaired my eyesight And had actually succeeded in watching That great, heavy, cosmic, thrilling movie The Day The World Caught Fire On television last night I immediately set about To thank the guy who had made it all possible None other than Father Vivian O'Blivion And I looked around the parish and I found him, he was off to the side And here's what he was doing Father Vivian O'Blivion Was resplendent in his frock He was whipping up the batter For the pancakes of his flock He was looking rather bleary (He forgot to watch the clock) Because the night before Behind the door A leprechaun had stroked his smock . . And that set him off in such a frenzy He sang LOCK AROUND THE CROCK An' he topped it off with a WOO WOO WOO An' he topped it off with a WOO WOO An' he topped it off with a WOO WOO As he stumbled on his cock He was delighted as it stiffened And it ripped right through his sock Oh, Saint Alfonzo would be proud of me He shouted down the block Now as soon as he shouted that A whole bunch of people came over And they started looking at this pink thing sticking out The bottom of his discrete black stocking And they all gathered around and they started checking him out He lifted up his pants leg a little bit like this He was going, Hey, boys and girls And then To calm them Because that— that got them into a frenzy To calm them down he gave them a special secret gesture That he picked up in an extension course at Divinity School Gave 'em one of these Couple of those Half a dozen dominus vobiscums And that was it They relaxed And then he turned to them in a Pseudo-biblical accent he said: (Bring the band on down behind me, boys) Join the march and eat my starch!