Waiter’s Song

Lyrics

[WAITER] I am so sorry, Madam We have no decaf latte mocchani�os With soy milk Today [CLAUDIA, spoken] Fine. Skip the soy [WAITER] What can I say? [CLAUDIA, spoken] I said fine. Regular is f [WAITER] That's not the problem, Madam The problem isn't just the soy You see It's more than just the soy [CLAUDIA, spoken] Yeah, so? [WAITER] I couldn't be more sorry, madam But sad to say, the fact is That not only do we have no soy [PAUL, spoken] Oh, boy [CLAUDIA] Don't tell me that [CLAUDIA, spoken & WAITER] You have no mocha We have no mocha [CLAUDIA, spoken] Then just a decaf latte, I don't [WAITER] We're also out of latte [CLAUDIA, spoken] What? [WAITER] We do expect a little latte later But we haven't got a lotta latte now [RAFFAEL, spoken] You can't be out of latt5 That would mean you're out of milk [WAITER] Sir, not only are w5 out of milk We're out of cream We're out of half-and-half [CLAUDIA, spoken] The caffe latte without the lat [WAITER] We're also out of caf [CLAUDIA, spoken] Not even de? [WAITER] Is that a laugh? [CLAUDIA, spoken] All right then, tea Twining's Earl Grey Bag on the side [WAITER] Ah, yes, well [CLAUDIA, spoken] Don't tell me [WAITER] I am so sorry, Madam I do apologize It's unforgivable I'm so embarrassed But not only are we out of Earl Grey We're out of Earl Green We're out of Earl Red and Blue And everything in between [CLAUDIA, spoken] Okay then, Lipton's, I don't care, whatever [WAITER] I apologize profusely, Madam But we're shit out of tea Today [CLAUDIA, spoken] You've gotta be kidding [WAITER] Je suis d�sol� [CLAUDIA, spoken] Fine. Diet Coke with lem [WAITER] Madam, if I may I forgot to say By the way We have no Coke We have no Sprite We have no Mountain Dew No Fresca Lite And I should add, although I do Regret it: If you're thinking beer or wine Forget it [LEO, spoken] Yeah, let's just order Gimme the abalone omelette, runny, extra saffron [WAITER, spoken] Excellent choice [MARIANNE, spoken] I've changed my mind about manna I crave huevoth rancheroth [WAITER, spoken] A thuperb thelection [CLAUDIA, spoken] I'll do the blood pudding Make it vampiric [WAITER, spoken] Nice [RAFFAEL, spoken] I will have the curried goat hash [WAITER, spoken] Ah, bah, splendid [PAUL, spoken] Do I want the Malay duck? [WAITER, spoken] It is an unparalleled experience [PAUL, spoken] Done [FRITZ, spoken] I'm gonna go basic A cheeseburger, medium That's California medium Only pink around the edges [LEO, spoken] Just bring the shit, will you? We're starving! [WAITER, spoken] Ah, yes Well, perhaps I should have mentioned [LEO, spoken] What? [WAITER] I am so sorry, sir, but We're out of abalone omelettes Although I have to say they are delicious And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them But we don't [LEO, spoken] Oh, for Christ's sake! Then make it two hashes, only make my goat medium [WAITER] Nor have we any hash Never mind the curried goat And wait, I made a note Oh yes, the huevos Nada, sorry Right, who had the duck? You're out of luck [PAUL, spoken] Fuck [WAITER] As for the, blech, blood pudding Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway [MARIANNE, PAUL, LEO, CLAUDIA, FRITZ & RAFFAEL, spoken] What do you have? It's false advertising! I want to talk to a manager! Let's go to another restaurant I cannot eat in this condition! [WAITER] Oh On behalf of the entire management and staff And international consortium That owns and operates the Caf� Everything I can't apologize enough I just may go and kill myself That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself I'd rather kill myself Than have to tell you We're completely out of food [CLAUDIA, spoken] How rude [RAFFAEL, spoken] No? [WAITER] Of any kind [MARIANNE, spoken] Well, never mind [WAITER] I should have given you some warning But it's been a very busy morning [CLAUDIA, spoken] Then why the hell did you take our orders? [WAITER, spoken] Madam, that's my job I'll go check on that water [PAUL, spoken] I thought he wanted to kill himself [LEO, spoken] Caf� Nada, they oughta call it [CLAUDIA, spoken] Hey! Could you make that sparkling? [MARIANNE, spoken] What in the world was that? [FRITZ, spoken] That was a gunshot [CLAUDIA, spoken] Because I asked for sparkling? Why don't we go to Bistro � la Mode? It's French deconstructivist cuisine [LEO, spoken] Well, back to square one Everybody into the car