There’s Nowhere To Go But Up

Lyrics

[IRVING, spoken] Washington Irving speaking again. Getting somewhere now, aren't we? Conflict, emotion, people taking sides. Virtue incarcerated and villainy, triumphant at least for the moment. Here Brom sits in the ventilated New Amsterdam jail, thinking. And but, but shh—here comes a visitor. Stealing up to the hole in the wall, head in a kerchief, stealthily now looking in.  [TINA, spoken] Brom, help me in! [BROM, spoken] Tina! [TINA, spoken] Give me your hand. There.  [BROM, spoken] Tina, Tina, you'll be caught here.  [TINA, spoken] As long as I live I'll never again do as I'm told.  [BROM, spoken] What are you talking about? [TINA, spoken] Ah, let me catch my breath. You see, this evening my father ordered me to go upstairs and try on my betrothal costume. Ordered me, you see? And suddenly I understood about you, for the first time. About not being able to take orders. I was furious. I went to my room, and I climbed out the window, and I came straight to the jail! [BROM, spoken] Ho ho ho! Maybe it's catching.  [TINA, spoken] Maybe it is. Anyway, I'm not going to marry that Stuyvesant. I'm going to marry you.  [BROM, spoken] Tina! Tina, you'll defy your father and the Governor, all for me? [TINA, spoken] Yes, I have a plan. We'll shake the dust of this town from our feet forever. We'll steal a boat, escape from Manhattan, and seek out an obscure retreat in the wilderness out beyond Brooklyn. Come on, back out the hole.  [BROM, spoken] Tina! Tina, kiss me first, then we go.  [TINA, spoken] Brom! [MISTRESS SCHERMERHORN, spoken] Right this way, Mynheer Tienhoven. Oh! [TIENHOVEN, spoken] Tina! [BROM, spoken] Your father! [TINA, spoken] Quick! [BROM, spoken] Too late.  [MISTRESS SCHERMERHORN, spoken] What is this? Kissing? [TIENHOVEN, spoken] I saw you. Tina, you was a hussy.  [TINA, spoken] Oh, no, father.  [TIENHOVEN, spoken] You're coming with me, quick. All this got to be hushed up because you got to marry the Governor.  [TINA, spoken] I'm going to marry Brom! [TIENHOVEN, spoken] No, you won't! Because if you said one word about that, I fix it with the Governor so that Brom hangs tomorrow for the betrothal celebration. Come on now with me.  [TINA, spoken] Wait, Father, wait! Brom! [BROM, spoken] Goodbye, Tina, goodbye.  [TINA, spoken] Brom! [BROM, spoken] Well, here I am again, lucky Brom. Oh well.  (sung) Winners lose and losers win Put your money down and watch the planet spin All good fortune changes hands inevitably And the fish you couldn't catch are still in the sea When your hat lets rain in Because it has no crown And your feet are wet and getting wetter When you're on rock bottom And you can't go down Any change is for the better When your luck bows out And you go to jail And you're on the inside looking out at the cop When your friends say sorry And you can't get bail Then there's nowhere to go but up To the man who has a-plenty Any change is for the worse So he plays a losing hand Against the universe But in winter weather When the leaves turn brown And the banker has his mortgage on your crop When you're on rock bottom And you can't go down Can't go her away Can't go that way Can't go this way Then there's nowhere to go but up! [STUYVESANT, spoken] This is our betrothal day, and even now, the grand army of New Amsterdam is drilling for a spectacular parade in your honor. We shall review the troops together. Mmm, a scrubby lot, but I'll make them shine. Company halt! At ease! [ARMY, spoken] Ah.  [STUYVESANT, spoken] I have but one fault to find with this army. This is still too much individual thinking in the ranks. Take care! Individual thinking can be detected without the slightest difficulty by any good officer. It shows in every movement, in the response to every order. You sir, Vanderbilt! It shows in your face this very moment. What are you thinking? [VANDERBILT, spoken] Excuse me. I was thinking, what's the good marching in the army when we wasn't fighting nobody? [STUYVESANT, spoken] My dear sir, my nature is so irritable, my temper so uncertain, and my habit of mind so pugnacious, that we shall be at war very shortly, very shortly.  [VANDERBILT, spoken] That's awful.  [STUYVESANT, spoken] On the contrary, it's a therapeutic measure. A nation at peace grows fat-headed and short-winded, as witness your own mental and physical condition. A short war with say, uh, Connecticut, would restore tone. Why, the Connecticans have built a fort on the Connecticut River within our territories, and they must, of course, be driven out, whatever the cost in patriot blood! [VANDERBILT, spoken] Then we get in a war? [STUYVESANT, spoken] Naturally.  [VANDERBILT, spoken] With the whole of Connecticut! Ooh, that's awful! [COUNCIL, spoken] Terrible! [VANDERBILT, spoken] Couldn't we send 'em a letter? Maybe we could make a deal and give 'em Boston.  [STUYVESANT, spoken] That is exactly the spirit I intend to destroy among you! You have grown fat and foolish for lack of an antagonist. Since we have no enemies, it is necessary to create them. Well sir, why aren't you holding your head up? [TIENHOVEN, spoken] There is one question I could maybe want to ask? [STUYVESANT, spoken] Well, what is it? [TIENHOVEN, spoken] When we march up to the fort, is it absolutely necessary I should march in front? [STUYVESANT, spoken] An intelligent question. Allow me to answer you by a brief demonstration of military tactics. Attention! Left face! And now, my men, in parade formation, with the gravest, wisest, most eloquent, and most dignified of our citizens in the front rank. This, in all civilized countries, is the proper order for parades and other civil functions. About face! This, on the other hand, is military formation for field duty and attack. The youngest, most active in the front, the older and more valuable in the rear. In this order we shall charge the enemy. Does that answer your question? [TIENHOVEN, spoken] Absolutely.