Notes

Lyrics

dear suicide how is the war? is it eating? tell me of the girls charging backwards into dumb tides death's wet mouth lapping their ankles, knees, eyebrows. tell me of the sissies like drunk fireworks, rocketing into earth afterimage burned into river & cement memory. how is the war? does it have a wife? does she know how the bodies got in her bed? dear suicide i know your real name. i bind you from doing harm. i enter the room like a germ. i say your name, it is my name. the walls cave around me like a good aunt. the window hums. the door rocks me. the dresser leaves to go make tea. the room knows my name. it binds us from doing harm. dear suicide where are you keeping my friends? every cup i turn over holds only air. i jimmy open a tulip expecting their faces but find only the yellow heart. what have you done with them? yesterday i took my body off beat it on the front steps with a broom & not one of them came giggling out my skin yelling you found me! not one of them i called for was already in my hand. dear suicide you a mutual friend a wedding guest, a kind of mother, a kind of self love, a kind of freedom. i wish you were a myth but mothers my color have picked ocean over boat, have sent children to school in rivers. i known niggas who just needed quiet. i seen you dance, it made me hard. i would not deny you what others have found in the sweet mildew behind your ear. i know what happens when you ask for a kiss, it's all tongue, you don't unlatch, you suck face until the body is gone. dear suicide that one? i promised him i would kill for him & my nigga was my nigga & my word is my word. dear suicide, where are you? come see me. come outside. i am at your door, suicide. i'll wait. i've offed my earrings & vaselined my face. i put on my good sweats for this. i brought no weapon but my fist. dear suicide you made my kin thin air. his entire body dead as hair. you said his name like a dare. you've done your share. i ride down lake street friendbare to isles of lakes, wet pairs stare back & we compare our mirror glares. fish scare into outlines, i blare a moon's wanting, i wear their faces on t-shirts, little flares in case i bootleg my own prayer & submit to your dark affair. tell me they're in your care. be fair. heaven or hell, i hope my niggas all there if i ever use the air as a stair.