Invocation and Instructions to the Audience

Lyrics

[THE OBSERVER, spoken] Good evening, ladies gentleman and welcome Patrons are respectfully reminded that the use of cameras Or sound or video recording equipment is strictly forbidden Also please do not sit in the aisles as in the event of any emergency You will be trampled to death Also, patrons who are fitted with hearing aids Are requested not to turn up their levels too high Lest they set up feedback in patrons fitted with pacemakers Please do not crinkle your programs incessantly Please do not fidget uncontrollably in your seats Please do not make little clicking noises with your tongues And please [THE OBSERVER] Don't cough It tends to throw the actors off Alright, it isn't Aristophanes But please Don't cough Don't say, "What?" To every line you think you haven't got And if you're in a snit because you've missed the plot (Of which I must admit there's not an awful lot) Still don't Say, "What?" If you see flaws, please Don't drop your jaws, please No loud guffaws, please When things don't go as planned During a pause, please Lots of applause, please If we don't get a hand You'll have to stand for one that's canned [Canned audience applause plays.] Don't go, "Oh!" Whenever there's a song you know And when you hear the verse ,don't whisper low "They cut that out of town, I saw the show I don't recall the tempo being quite that slow" And please, refrain From eating sweets in cellophane Though it's not Aristophanes Please don't fuss And when you hear cacophonies Well, don't blame us If we should wax satirical Don't take it wrong And if, by a sudden miracle A tune should appear that's lyrical Don't hum along Do not throw food, please Till we conclude, please Do not allude, please To "talent gone to waste" If something's screwed, please Don't come unglued, please No need to leave in haste The author has a reputation based On taste So please don't fart There's very little air and this is art If now and then you're restless, don't lose heart A premature departure may seem smart But wait for the finale which is brilliant then depart But first We start Putting it together