Getting Weighed

Lyrics
Hadn't been to the doctor in 24 months Got no complaints No lumps no baby bumps But it's time for a checkup So I make an appointment Hope I don't need no pills Or ointment The nurse takes my blood pressure Good! it's not high My ears are OK, so are my eyes She says, "Step on the scale Let's check your weight Then everything will be up to date" Check my weight? I empty my pockets Take off my shoes Take off my watch My glasses, earrings too I step on the scale The numbеrs flip'n'flop I hold my breath Til the numbers stop Shе looks at the scale Looks at my chart She looks at me And says, "Bless your heart I have very good news my dear You've lost one pound in the past two years" Two years ago I stopped eating sweets Walked seven thousand steps A day on city streets I stopped drinking soda Cut back on bread Said "no" to elevators Took the stairs instead And after all this time I've lost one pound? I don't need this To get around Hold me now before I bust out in tears This is not the news I wanted to hear The doctor come in and flashes a smile It's Joe the cardiologist, I know it's been a while He says, "My prodigal daughter Congratulations This calls for a celebration For so many patients their weight goes up But yours went down Is this good news, yup!" So he listens to my heartbeat Sends me on my way When I get in the elevator I hear myself say This confirms my deepest fear I gave up pancakes I gave up beer Gave up pizza Gave up white flour I'm losing .0009 ounces per hour But that's point 15 ounces per week Someday I'll have cheekbones Not just cheek In a month that's .666 of an ounce Yes it's the devil's food Cake I renounce When you lose one pound every two years Pretty soon you gonna disappear Take a look, this is the biggest I'll ever be Every step I take there's less of me I never was good at arithmetic But here is something I can predict The way things are going at this rate In the year 2052 I'm gonna look great I'll be a hundred years old And I'm gonna look great
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Credits
- Writers
- Christine Lavin