You Can’t Have Me (If You Don’t Have Him)

Lyrics

[JOE] My folks were small-time grifters Yeah, and counterfeiters, too They never did the kind of things That most kids' parents do Most fathers make a living Keepin' books or pushing broom But mom and dad made homemade dough Right in our living room! But when the heat got too intense They took it on the lam My father left a note that said "Be better than I am!" Then Jerry's clan across the hall Stepped in to save the day They took me in and raised me right And that is why I say That he's the needle, I'm the thread He's the butter, I'm the bread He's the fruit and I'm the peel He's Achilles, I'm the heel Yeah, he's my brother through and through Like the Marx, the Wrights, the Grimm! Yeah, you can't have "tea" without the "two" And you can't have me if you don't have him! [MACK, spoken] Alright, back to work! [JOE, spoken] But don't you wanna hear Jerry's half of the story? [JERRY, spoken] Gotta give the people what they want! (sung) My folks were in a business, too The business we call show The house was full of hoofers We were strictly S.R.O.  They taught me every time step Then I shuffled off to school But on the south side of Chicago No one loved this dancin' fool! The gangster kids all knocked me down And made off with my lunch 'Cause I was taught to buck and wing But not to land a punch! But then Joe here had a brainstorm When he saw I couldn't fight [JOE] I played the odds against him [JOE & JERRY] And we ate ice cream every night! [JERRY] Yeah, he's the bait and I'm the hook [JOE] I'm the goose and he's the cook [JERRY] He's the beans [JOE] And he's the gas I'm the balls [JERRY] And I'm the brass You can't break up a winning team [JOE] Like that crutch and Tiny Tim! [JERRY] And so you can't have "ah" without the [JOE] "Choo!" [JOE & JERRY] And you can't have me if you don't have him! [JOE] Oh, when we play, it's just a fact Our music fills the air [JERRY] It's true that opposites attract And so we make a perfect pair! [JOE] 'Cause I'm the third, and he's the root [JOE & JERRY] That's the place all chords begin [JOE] We're two of a kind [MACK] If you're colorblind! [JOE & JERRY] Sep'rate mothers but we're brothers under the skin! [Dance break] So what more can we tell ya, folks? We're partners 'til the end It's nice to know my brother here is Also my best friend! [JERRY] And when this duet's over [JOE & JERRY] And the music's growin' dim [JOE] As the undertaker starts his spiel [JERRY] Please remind him we're a package deal [JOE] 'Cause you can't have verve [JERRY] Without the vim [JOE & JERRY] And you can't have me If you don't have him! Yeah, you can't have me if you don't have him!