Manlyology

Lyrics

[RICHARD] (spoken) Whoa! This is amazing! What's that smell? [GARETH] Testosterone [RICHARD] Mmmm, musky [GARETH] If you want your wife to respect you, you have to earn her respect. You need to man up [RICHARD] But how? [GARETH] It just so happens you're talking to a professor of the art of manhood. Lesson one: Historical background (sung) Way back in the ancient ocean Live a flabby, pitiful thing It was soft and pale Neither female or male Rather like you, my king This creature was lacking a backbone It couldn't stand tall and free 'Til it grew a spine And a pair like mine And evolved into well, me Now frankly, this could take you A good ten million year Me, I know a shortcut May I have some volunteers? [CHEF] (spoken) He's looking at me, isn't he? [GARETH] (sung) Throw back your shoulders Suck in that gut Seize the advantage And kick some butt Do watcha want And do it violently That'sthe secret of manlyology (spoken) Any questions? [RICHARD] (spoken) Will there be a quiz? [GARETH] (spoken) No, moving on. Lesson two: Theory and Application (sung) Now, manhood's pretty simple It's a display of relative might Men give commands and eat with their hands [RICHARD] Leave the toilet seat up? [GARETH] Damn right Does a man ever order a spritzer? [RICHARD] No! [GARETH] Does a man wear sandals with socks? [RICHARD] No? [GARETH] Does he own a cat? [RICHARD] Yes! [GARETH] Sure about that? [RICHARD] Um... [GARETH] Does he think about miniature rocks? [RICHARD] Pass! [GARETH] Does a man mind blood in his mustache? [RICHARD] What? [GARETH] Does he care if he smells like arse? [RICHARD] Whose? [GARETH] Does he pick his nose? [RICHARD] Eww [GARETH] Bros before hoes? [RICHARD] Duh! [GARETH] Close enough You pass [RICHARD] By George, I think I've got it! [GARETH] Well, we'll get you up to speed [RICHARD] Maybe a private lesson? [CHEF] Guess I volunteer [GARETH] No need Kick into action And crack that whip Crush all emotion And one last tip Don't miss your yearly colonoscopy That's the secret of manlyology [RICHARD] (spoken) Oh Gareth! I can't thank you enough! Tomorrow night I shall dine with Madelena. I will show her all I've learned. Come here, you! [GARETH] (spoken) Oi! I've only hugged one man in my life. It was the day my father died. I squeezed that rotten bastard to death [RICHARD] (spoken) Right. We'll hug later. Good talk [GARETH] (spoken) Yeah