The War That Ended War

Lyrics

[WOMEN] Every girl is dressed In her very best All the world's in tune For we know that soon The boyfriends are coming home Banners here and there Music in the air Everywhere the flag Patriotic jag The boyfriends are coming home [WOMEN, variously] Tommy, Dick and Frank Percival and Hank Isidor and Gus [WOMEN] What a thrill for us The boyfriends are coming home Happiness arrives In our lonely lives Soon we'll know the charms Of their brawny arms The boyfriends are coming home Civilization is improving This war ends all war Higher and higher we are moving This war ends all war Fighting is through, for Fletcher has said it Fletcher deserves the credit So give three cheers And then give one cheer more For the war that ended war [Marches by John Philip Sousa and Arthur Pryor along with traditional tunes play as SOLDIERS arrive home.] [SOLDIERS] Civilization is improving This war ends all war Higher and higher we are moving This war ends all war [ENSEMBLE] Fighting is through, for Fletcher has said it Fletcher deserves the credit So give three cheers And then give one cheer more For the war that ended war For the war that ended war [FLETCHER, spoken] It is my privilege as owner of this war To introduce our great hero, Major James Tecumseh Townsend [ENSEMBLE, spoken] Hooray! [FLETCHER, spoken] Major Townsend Your country has already heaped many honors upon you The President himself has given you the Order of the Double Cross You have been presented with the keys to Buffalo, Cincinnati And part of Minneapolis And now to our own gift Major Townsend, in recognition of your heroism in winning The Horace J. Fletcher Memorial War I hereby present you with this miniature statue of yours truly Carved in Fletcher's American Cheese [ENSEMBLE, spoken] Yay! [JIM, spoken] Thanks, thanks If it's my turn Maybe you'll let me tell you why Sloane cut those buttons off of the American uniforms [ENSEMBLE, spoken] What? [JIM, spoken] Because he knew That if the soldiers couldn't button their coats out in those mountains They'd catch pneumonia Mr. Fletcher, your man Sloane is in fact Colonel Herman Edelweiss Head of the Switzerland secret service And the most dangerous man in Europe He worked in your factory for years Because all that time he was adulterating American cheese By using Grade B milk [FLETCHER, spoken] Good God! [JIM, spoken] And here are the papers to prove it [FLETCHER, spoken] Oh, don't let that get out If they know that we fought for Grade B milk, I'm ruined [JIM, spoken] It won't get out On two conditions [FLETCHER, spoken] Just say what they are, you can have them [JIM, spoken] First, you've got to form an international league In which all cheeses will be equal And no more wars! [FLETCHER, spoken] Yes, yes, a League of Cheeses No more war [HOLMES, spoken] "No More War" would be a good name for a book [ENSEMBLE, spoken] No more books! [JIM, spoken] And second [HOLMES, spoken] Uh [JIM, spoken] Well, that you haven't anything to do with [JOAN, spoken] Jim [JIM & JOAN] We'll build a little home Just meant for two [MAN, spoken] Wait! I've got a telegram for Colonel Holmes!