Welcome to Our House on Maple Avenue

Lyrics

[HELEN] He wants the Hepplewhite suite chairs back in the parlor Move the G.I. Joe, it can't be on the floor He wants the Dresden figurines back in the breakfront A Slinky messes up the period decor Get the Lemon Pledge and dust the— They should face the same direction— He wants it vacuumed The surface gleaming He wants it closer to the door He wants, he wants, he wants— He wants the brass candelabra set at an angle The crayons and the glue should go back in the drawer He wants the bust of Quixote square on the mantel Sweep that lint away, it's what a broom is for Gently wipe the eucalyptus Polish up the crystal prisms When he comes down here He wants it ready We've got to get it done before He wants, he wants, he wants— [The bathroom door opens and BRUCE emerges.] [BRUCE, spoken] Where's my bronzing stick? [HELEN, spoken] It's in the— [BRUCE ​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​slams the door​​​​.] [ALISON] Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue! See how we polish and we shine We rearrange and realign Everything is balanced and serene Like chaos never happens if it's never seen [HELEN & ALISON] Every need, we anticipate and fill And still— [HELEN & SMALL ALISON] He wants the real feather-duster used on the bookcase [HELEN & CHRISTIAN] Find all the books we read and carefully restore [HELEN & JOHN] He wants them alphabetized by classification [HELEN] A volume out of place could start a third world war [HELEN, JOHN, CHRISTIAN & SMALL ALISON] That's an inch out of position Watch it, that's a first edition [HELEN] What are we missing? What have we left out? When he comes down here, what's in store? [HELEN, CHRISTIAN, JOHN & SMALL ALISON] He wants, he wants, he wants— [HELEN, CHRISTIAN & JOHN, ALISON & SMALL ALISON] Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue (Welcome to our house on Maple Avenue) See how we polish and we shine (See how we polish and we shine) We rearrange and realign (We rearrange and realign) [HELEN, CHRISTIAN & JOHN, BRUCE, ALISON & SMALL ALISON] Everything is balanced (Everything is balanced) And serene (And serene) (Everything is balanced) Like chaos never happens (Like chaos never happens) (And serene) If it's never seen (If it's never seen) (Like chaos never happens) If it's never seen [BRUCE, HELEN, SMALL ALISON, JOHN & CHRISTIAN] We're a typical family quintet [HELEN] And yet— [BRUCE] Not too bad, if I say so myself I might still break a heart or two Sometimes the fire burns so hot I don't know what I'll do Not too bad, if I say so myself [BRUCE & ALISON] Not too bad [BRUCE, spoken] Mrs. Bochner! It's a pleasure to meet you Come on in [BRUCE, spoken, HELEN, ALISON, SMALL ALISON, CHRISTIAN & JOHN] Now obviously (Deet deet) It's still a work in progress (Dee deet deet deet deet deet) Oh yes, yes (Deet deet deet deet) I did all the work myself That's how we're able to (Deet deet deet deet deet dee) Afford the place (Deet deet deet deet deet dee) No, no (Deet deet) Historic restoration is an avocation (Dee deet deet deet deet deet) That is very flattering (Deet dee dee deet deet) I teach English at Beech Creek High (Deet deet deet deet deet dee) And Bechdel Funeral Home (Deet deet deet deet deet dee) Is our family business So I'm also a funeral director (Dee dee deet deet deet deet deet deet) You have a keen eye (Dee dee deet deet deet deet deet) [BRUCE, spoken, HELEN, SMALL ALISON, CHRISTIAN & JOHN, ALISON] This I found yesterday at the dump (What is he after?) Isn't it? (What are we doing?) Actually, I believe it's (Right foot is tapping) (It all) Rococo Revival (That means he's stewing) (Comes back) Absolutely (Stay very still and) Would you like one with the family? (Maybe we'll please him) Kids? Mrs. Bochner (Make one wrong move and) (It all) Would like to take a photo (Demons will seize him) (Comes back) [ROY, spoken, HELEN, ALISON, SMALL ALISON, CHRISTIAN & JOHN] Hello, anybody home? (Try hard, what else is) [BRUCE, spoken, HELEN, ALISON, SMALL ALISON, CHRISTIAN & JOHN] I'll be there in a minute (Family for?) Oh, a young man who helps out with the yard work He wants, he wants, he wants— [ALISON] He wants more [ALISON, spoken] Caption: My dad and I both grew up in the same, small Pennsylvania town And he was gay, and I was gay And he killed himself And I Became a lesbian cartoonist