The Column

Lyrics

[J.J., spoken] Kate Thompson and the Williams Brothers; Packing men at the Persian Room [MADGE, spoken] Got it [J.J., spoken] Advice to a certain polo-playing-playboy After the brawl at PJ Clarke's last night Learn the difference between men and pigs Pigs don't turn into men when they drink [MADGE, spoken] I know who that is [J.J., spoken] Question in Washington: Will Truman resign before he's impeached? Treason is not a pretty picture Ava Gardener is finding out That when hubby Frank Sinatra sends her flowers for no reason... There's a reason [MADGE, spoken] Sinatra? [J.J., spoken] Write it down Write it down [COMPANY] Gotta get in The Column If you're burned for success Once you're in in The Column This whole fickle world'll whisper "yes" Just a name in a column Down the side of page ten Get a name in The Column And it's never just a name again Ooh J.J. tells ya' who jumps ahead in the game Ooh Guess who's holdin' the slipp'ry ladder to fame [SIDNEY] Gotta get in The Column Or I'm out of a job Gotta get into J.J [SIDNEY & COMPANY] J.J J.J Gotta get in the gossip Gotta tell whatcha' know Gotta get in the gossip Blow by blow by blow by blow by blow [SIDNEY] There are signs rising over Time Square That say it all [SIDNEY & COMPANY] J.J [SIDNEY] Flashing his eyes again This way, that way This way, that way [MEN] He runs a column like a roadshow gangster [SIDNEY] But it's the column It's the column you need [MEN] Because it happens, he's a roadshow gangster [SIDNEY] Sixty-million people read [SIDNEY & MEN] But what sixty-million people don't know Is how the whole system works [SIDNEY & (MEN), spoken] A press agent works for a client (Yep) A press agents likes to eat (You bet!) The client says "get me in J.J." (J.J.) The press agent feels the heat (Ouch!) J.J. says "what'll you give me?" Here's where you crawl like a bug [SIDNEY & MEN, spoken] Just give him dirt Make it hurt He gives your client a plug [MADGE, spoken] Column needs a finish! [J.J., spoken] Sign off for the Pearl of Wisdom From my favorite source; anonymous "No hatchet ever got buried deep enough" [COMPANY] And the presses are rollin' [MEN] Crankin' out the early edition [COMPANY] The presses are rollin' [WOMEN] Not enough to wake the feds [COMPANY] And the city is open Waitin' for the early edition [SIDNEY] Holdin' your breath 'til the time ticks by Preachin' a prayer to the skyline sky Waitin' to see if I live or die! [COMPANY, spoken] I'm in! (Say it!) I'm out! (Christ!) I'm in! (Out!) Christ! (I'm out!) I'm in! (I'm out!) I'm in! (Say it!) [SIDNEY, spoken] Damn! [COMPANY & (SIDNEY + CERTAIN MEN)] Gotta get in the column If you're burned for success (He runs it all) Gotta get into J.J. (J.J.) (Rising high) Gotta get in the column (Rising over the top) Bring the chase to a slow [SIDNEY] He runs it all [COMPANY] Gotta get into J.J. (J.J., J.J.) On and on and on it goes On and on and on it goes [SIDNEY & COMPANY] On and on it goes