How Can You Tell an American?

Lyrics

[IRVING, spoken] It's a predicament, I admit. But what I'm really concerned about is your own character. I want people to like you, and in order to like you they have to understand you. You began as a young fellow with a perfectly fantastic dislike for orders. But how does that fit in with your sudden attack on civic corruption? [BROM, spoken] Ah, I was thinking about it myself. One of those last-minute résumés before you're about to die, you know? And it occurred to me—don't laugh at this—that maybe I was the first American.  [IRVING, spoken] The first American? [BROM, spoken] Yes, yes, the beginning of a national type! A pеrson with a really fantastic and inexcusable avеrsion to taking orders, coupled with a complete abhorrence for governmental corruption, and an utter incapacity for doing anything about it.  [IRVING] How can you tell an American? Has he any distinguishing flavor? Could you spot him on an elephant in Turkestan Or floating on a raft fifty miles at sea As you know a single leaf from the sassafras tree By its characteristic savor? [BROM] It isn't that he's short or tall It isn't that he's round or flat It isn't that he's civilized or aboriginal Nor the head size of his hat No, it's just that he hates and eternally despises The policeman on his beat, and the judge at his assizes [IRVING] The sheriff with his warrants and the bureaucratic crew [BROM] For the sole and simple reason that they tell him what to do [IRVING] And he insists on eating, he insists on drinking He insists on reading, he insists on thinking Free of governmental snooping or a governmental plan And that's an American! [BROM] How can you tell an American? Has he any distinguishing notion? There's something in the essence of a good Champagne That makes you certain sure you're not imbibing rain And you won't succeed in growing an American man On the opposite side of an ocean [IRVING] It isn't that he's good or bad It isn't that he's gay or grim It's only that authority repels him as a lad And never goes down with him Yes, it's just that he hates both the guts and the faces Of the people who can order him And put him through his paces [BROM] The assessor with his taxes or the colonel at review [IRVING] Or any fool official who can tell him what to do [BROM] And he won't go to heaven and he won't got to hell [IRVING] And he will not buy and he will not sell [IRVING & BROM] According to the precepts of a governmental plan And that's an American! [IRVING, BROM] How can you tell an American How can you tell an American When it comes right down to cases? When it comes right down to cases? Is there any one virtue or particular vice Is there any one virtue or particular vice Like a Scotchman's whiskey or a Chinaman's rice Like a Scotchman's whiskey or a Chinaman's rice Or a Gypsy's addiction to the moving van Or a Gypsy's addiction to the moving van That marks him among the races? That marks him among the races? [IRVING] It isn't that he's black or white [BROM] It isn't that he works with tools [IRVING & BROM] It's only that it takes away his appetite To live by a book of rules Yes, it's just that he hates and he damns all the features Of any mortal man set above his fellow creatures [BROM] And he'll hate the undertaker when at last he dies If he hears a note of arrogance above him where he lies [IRVING] He does his own living [BROM] He does his own dying [IRVING] Does his loving [BROM] Does his hating [IRVING] Does his multiplying [IRVING & BROM] Without the supervision of a governmental plan And that's an American!