Why Can’t the English? (Film Version)

Lyrics

[HIGGINS] Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters Condemned by every syllable she utters By right, she should be taken out and hung [HIGGINS, spoken] For the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue [ELIZA, spoken] Aow [HIGGINS] Aow Heavens, what a sound This is what the British population Calls an elementary education [PICKERING, spoken] Come, sir, I think you picked a poor example [HIGGINS, spoken] Did I? [HIGGINS] Hear them down in Soho Square Dropping Hs everywhere Speaking English anyway they like Hey, you sir, did you go to school? [MAN] What do ya tike me for, a fool? [HIGGINS] No one taught him "take" instead of "tike" Hear a Yorkshireman, or worse Hear a Cornishman converse I'd rather hear a choir singing flat Chickens cackling in a barn Just like this one [ELIZA, spoken] Garn [HIGGINS, spoken] Garn I ask you, sir, what sort of word is that? [HIGGINS] It's "aow" and "garn" that keep her in her place Not her wretched clothes and dirty face Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? This verbal class distinction by now should be antique If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do Why, you might be selling flowers, too [PICKERING, spoken] I beg your pardon [HIGGINS] An Englishman's way of speaking absolutely classifies him The moment he talks, he makes some other Englishman despise him One common language I'm afraid we'll never get Oh, why can't the English learn to Set a good example to people whose English is painful to your ears? The Scots and the Irish leave you close to tears There even are places where English completely disappears [HIGGINS, spoken] Well, in America, they haven't used it for years [HIGGINS] Why can't the English teach their children how to speak? Norwegians learn Norwegian, the Greeks are taught their Greek In France every Frenchman knows his language from "A" to "Zed" [HIGGINS, spoken] The French don't care what they do, actually As long as they pronounce it properly [HIGGINS] Arabians learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning The Hebrews learn it backwards, which is absolutely frightening Use proper English, you're regarded as a freak Oh, why can't the English Why can't the English learn to speak?