The Ballad of the New York Times

Lyrics

[Spoken Intro] It's a cousin of the song I wrote a year ago. Like a first cousin, so they can't have babies [Verse 1] They sell Canadian grade A maple syrup in New Zealand It's expensive but I splurge So I can put it on our pancake breakfast and Sometimes I forget to put the lid on and the ants come Into the kitchen of this AirB&B we've been renting for six months for a fortune and Sometimes I take a magazine and I escort them two by two In a little glossy lifeboat into the garden and Sometimes I just create an ant holocaust and kill them all With a paper towel (Fuck the ants!) [Pre-Chorus] I don't understand which part of me is kind I don't understand which part of me can be so goddamn unkind I don't understand why I'm tired all the time All I know is that last night I wanted to go to bed by five o'clock And I took off my necklace And I turned on the heater And I couldn't stop shaking So I put on a sweater [Chorus] And I read the New York Times On an app in my phone next to my sleeping child And the headlines hurt my mind Five thousand dead, Cher got an elephant back into the wild And the light on his face And his curly-haired head And I knew I should be reading a good book instead I can't fit all of all humanity into this bed With me [Verse 2] Yesterday I walked by a homeless man in Queen Street I gave him twenty dollars and then went into a cafe and Someone had sent a crowd-fund from their cousin in Milwaukee And their seven month old baby died and they don't have any money For a funeral for the baby so they started a Go-Fund-Me And I fucking deleted the email I didn't give them any money And I didn't put it up on Twitter Or share it on Facebook And later in the day I called my friend in Boston She has a five year old boy too and I asked how they were doing She said, "We're doing really great We're just getting out of lockdown And yesterday we finally left the house and went out walking and we All went to the toy store" and I said, "Oh, that's amazing" And she said, "Yeah, but you know, of course the kids had to wear masks" And I was like, "Oh, you know, that's- that's fine" and she said "Yeah, and also, like, the kids couldn't touch any of the toys But anyway, enough about me, how are things going in New Zealand?" And I said, "They're pretty good" [Pre-Chorus] I don't understand which part of me is fine I don't understand which part of me can be so goddamn un-fine I don't understand why I'm so random all the time All I know is that last night I had to go to bed by five o'clock And I took off my necklace And I turned on the heater I couldn't stop shaking So I put on a sweater [Chorus] And I read the New York Times On the app on my phone next to my sleeping child And the headlines hurt my mind Ten thousand dead and how that dress looked hot on Harry Styles And the light in his face And his curly-haired head I knew I should be reading a good book instead I can't fit all of humanity into this bed With me [Bridge] And Emily's dad just died of COVID And Neil's first editor just died of COVID And Justine's mom just died of COVID And Michael got real sick but didn't die of COVID And look, a lot of people are vaccinated And look, a lot of people are lying on Facebook And look, a lot of human's life getting wasted And American swimming took gold at the Olympics [Pre-Chorus] I don't understand why the world can be so fine I don't understand how the world can be so fucking un-fine I don't understand why I've been drinking all the time All I know is the last time I had to go to bed by five o'clock And I left all my clothes on And I pulled up the covers And I got Ash's dinner And I let the dishes just sit there And I brushed Ash's teeth and We read Harry Potter And I turned all the lights out And I should have known better [Chorus] But I read the New York Times On the app on my phone in the pitch black room And the headlines hurt my mind Four million dead and billionaires are sending shit to the moon And the light in his face And his curly-haired head And I knew I should be reading a good book instead I can't fit all of humanity into this bed With me [Outro] Shh Mama's trying to read Mama's trying to read Mama's trying to read