holding your sleeping body i prayed to god for the first time in my life that i would be able to keep you alive (P1500021.MP4 November 12 2020)

Lyrics

[Verse 1] 2020, writing journals that I barely remember Threatening my stepdad with a bread knife in the kitchen Preteen, probably no good reason Could've been so much worse But the fury in his features, inches from mine - so familiar Back in the present a phone explodes beside me Is this a joke I don't get? "Sorry" then even closer, again Frozen - no bread knife, no preteen chaos I'm not a reason But im not a reason to stop which is worse But it's still not that bad It nеver is [Verse 2] A holographic sheet of plastic Found in the ruins of a Huawei P30 on an apartmеnt floor Let's make something with it Let's move forward "I miss you" Optimistic like a child You would've hated that Regression or fear of you, pick one I can't believe I let you convince me That being scared of your screaming was my fault I went to therapy like you told me to, what the fuck? Over and over I put everything I had into keeping you safe And when I realized it was impossible I finally had to protect myself [Verse 3] 2018, after so much work and distance I finally felt carefree I finally loved myself a little bit Now I'm empty and I'm afraid of everyone Still, I don't regret anything Six years living in a short-circuiting wind tunnel Bracing myself every second Now my insides are frozen and I can't see the sky Oh I made you feel bad? Good, that's how you get better Until you understand the weight Of what your behavior slowly did to me You'll be stuck inside yourself And nothing will ever change [Outro] Or you can just keep making shit up about me At this point I don't really care [Speech] ("Okay, check this out This, uh- this came out of your phone I found it on the ground Look what it does when I put it over the lens Isn't that fucking cool? It's... Yeah, I don't know I just wanted to show you, I was really excited Love you")