Lady Hyacinth Abroad

Lyrics

HYACINTH: (spoken) If I'm ever to show my face in society again, I've got to find a new cause of my own, and quickly! Come, come, any ideas? ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville has the old Lady Sitwell has the blind HYACINTH: And the fund for sailors' widows? ENTOURAGE: That's the two of them combined HYACINTH: Night school for the nervous? ENTOURAGE: Lady Beach and Margaret Guest HYACINTH: Crutches for the crippled? ENTOURAGE; That was Elsie Pond's bequest HYACINTH: Wayward women? ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville HYACINTH: Who's behind disfigured men? ENTOURAGE: Daisy Greville HYACINTH: And the deaf? Don't tell me--it's Greville yet again Everyone's got something. Can't you see why I'm bereft? I want to do some good, but what the devil's left? ENTOURAGE: What the devil's left? MONTY: (spoken) If I may, your Ladyship, one hears about such terrible poverty in Egypt these days… HYACINTH: (spoken) Egypt. Land of the Pharaohs and of Moses the Israelite. Home to the Great Pyramids and the Sphinx. That's it! (sung) We'll populate an orphanage in Cairo With foundlings from the reeds along the Nile To watch a creature grow, to swaddle it and know The joy of its pathetic little smile ENTOURAGE: Its little smile HYACINTH: The news will travel soon enough to London ENTOURAGE: To London HYACINTH: Our selflessness will meet with great acclaim ENTOURAGE: Huzzah! HYACINTH: The sniping will be stilled And the empire will be filled With homes for bastard children in my name (spoken) All aboard the Luxor express to Cairo! MONTY: (spoken) And off she went. What I'd failed to tell her was that a violent uprising against the empire was imminent, and no British citizen was considered safe, so you can imagine my surprise when Lady Hyacinth returned to London, quite unharmed HYACINTH: (spoken) Oh, where will my largesse be truly appreciated? I need a place so low that hope itself has been abandoned! MONTY: (spoken) You've heard, of course, of the untouchables in India? HYACINTH: (spoken) India. Land of Hindus and Muslims, of tamarind and saffron. Exotic and unknowable. That's it! (sung) We'll find ourselves some lepers in the Punjab The hopeless and the wretched and the cursed Forgotten and unblessed ENTOURAGE: Unblessed HYACINTH: I'll take them to my breast ENTOURAGE: Your breast HYACINTH: If Daisy Greville doesn't get there first When we arrive, they'll hobble out to greet us ENTOURAGE: Hello there HYACINTH: Their toothless grins would melt a heart of stone ENTOURAGE: Ahhh HYACINTH: And every dilettante Will envy me and want A colony of lepers of her own Now, not a word to even your mothers 'til we leave, although-- Come to think of it, what is the point of helping others unless you let the whole world know? (spoken) Call the Times of London! MONTY: (spoken) And off she went. I'd neglected to mention the malaria pandemic in the Punjab--a bit of insurance, in case leprosy itself failed to prove contagious. So you can imagine my shock when Lady Hyacinth returned to London in record time, quite the picture of health I don't suppose you'd be willing to penetrate the jungle of deepest, darkest Africa… HYACINTH: (spoken) Africa. From Zululand to Yoruba, home of proud warriors, their naked torsos rippling in the firelight! (sung) We'll civilize a village in the jungle ENTOURAGE: The jungle HYACINTH: It can't take long to learn their mother tongue ENTOURAGE: Not long then HYACINTH: Of words, they have but six And five of them are clicks ENTOURAGE: *click* HYACINTH: And all of them are different words for dung And can't you see their frightful painted faces ENTOURAGE: Their faces HYACINTH: They'll teach us how to swing from vine to vine ENTOURAGE: From vine to vine to vine HYACINTH: It's Daisy Greville's loss She'll never come across A tribe of backward natives worse than mine HYACINTH & ENTOURAGE: The Hottentots and Pygmies may appall us... HYACINTH: But even they are part of God's design ENTOURAGE: Ahhh HYACINTH: We bid you all goodbye ENTOURAGE: Goodbye HYACINTH: Let all of London try To find a tribe of natives worse than mine Charity toward others is divine ENTOURAGE: Divine, divine, divine, divine, charity is divine