Unofficial Spokesman

Lyrics

[FLETCHER] The man you are about to see Will live on history's page He's a man of very high degree And the unofficial wizard of the age [ENSEMBLE] Unofficial wizard of the age Unofficial wizard of the age Unofficial wizard of the age [FLETCHER] He is no ordinary gent This confidential sage He's right behind the President Is the unofficial wizard of the age [ENSEMBLE] Unofficial wizard of the age Unofficial wizard of the age Unofficial wizard of the age Tra la la la, good morning, Mister Colonel [HOLMES] Good morning [FLETCHER] He's joined so many different societies He has degrees of ninety-nine varieties He's an F.F.V.  [HOLMES] And an E-S-Q.  [FLETCHER] He's a Z.B.T.  [HOLMES] And he's okay, too [ENSEMBLE] He's an L.L.D.  And a G.O.P.  Which emphatically shows That no matter where he goes From A, B, C To X, Y, Z He's a man of very high degree He's a man of very high degree [WOMEN] Very high [MEN] Not low [WOMEN] Very high [MEN] Not low [WOMEN] High [MEN] Low [WOMEN] High [MEN] Low [WOMEN] High [MEN] Low [ENSEMBLE] Degree [HOLMES] When I was born into this universe By a process which I do not care to mention I never once said "Goo goo" to my nurse Which was quite beyond the lady's comprehension I found I drew attention being silent And that is how my rise to fame occurred Great dignity to politics soon I lent By never, never uttering a word [ENSEMBLE] He never said a thing that was absurd Because, you see, he never said a word [HOLMES] I'm the unofficial, unofficial Spokesman of the U.S.A.  Though to interview me, interview me All reporters do essay If I tell 'em nothing, tell 'em nothing How can I be blundering? And I find it helpful, very helpful Just to keep 'em wondering Like a Massachusetts, Massachusetts resident Who once became a, once became a president I never, never, never, never say a word [ENSEMBLE, spoken] Hooray! Speech! Speech! [HOLMES, spoken] My good friends I'm afraid the President wouldn't want me to say anything Oh, my position, you know I, I don't dare do any talking Anything you want to know about me Thing for you to do is read my book Four Years Near the White House All drugstores, dollar thirty-seven Just to advertise it though Gonna sell a few here today for a dollar twenty-eight! Here you are, dollar twenty-eight Get 'em while they're hot! [ENSEMBLE, spoken] Hooray! [ENSEMBLE] He's the unofficial, unofficial Spokesman of the U.S.A.  Though to interview him, interview him All reporters do essay If he tells 'em nothing, tells 'em nothing How can he be blundering? And he finds it helpful, very helpful Just to keep 'em wondering Like a Massachusetts, Massachusetts resident Who once became a, once became a president He never, never, never, never says a word [FLETCHER] Some matters have come up today Important as can be So won't you kindly step this way To a confidential conference with me? [ENSEMBLE] Some matters have come up today Some matters dark and grim So won't you kindly step this way To a confidential conference with him? [ENSEMBLE & HOLMES, spoken] He's the unofficial, unofficial Spokesman of the U.S.A.  Though to interview him, interview him (And here's) All reporters do essay (One for you, autographed copy) [HOLMES, spoken] Oh no, no, no, don't pay me You can send me a check [FLETCHER, spoken] Thank you, Colonel Now then, what I want to say is this [HOLMES, spoken] Hmm? [FLETCHER, spoken] As a patriotic American, I feel that the United States Must send an answer to Switzerland refusing to repeal the cheese tariff [HOLMES, spoken] Oh, delicate situation! [FLETCHER, spoken] Well, it's a matter of honor [HOLMES, spoken] Might mean war [FLETCHER, spoken] No, no, don't say that, please [HOLMES, spoken] Got to say it Might mean war! [FLETCHER, spoken] A war is the last thing I'd want Personally, mind you [HOLMES, spoken] Terrible thing, war [FLETCHER, spoken] Terrible [HOLMES, spoken] Can't eat sugar [FLETCHER, spoken] Don't I know Will you ever forget the last war? The suffering was awful [HOLMES, spoken] And saluting all the time I was a wreck [FLETCHER, spoken] But we can't think only of ourselves There's America [HOLMES, spoken] Where? [FLETCHER, spoken] She's entitled to the best And Fletcher's American Cheese is the best Made from Grade A milk You know what Swiss cheese is? [HOLMES, spoken] Can't eat it [FLETCHER, spoken] There you are [HOLMES, spoken] Don't know about war, though Awful lot of trouble [FLETCHER, spoken] But this will be the last one A war to end war No kidding It means another book A book about the war [HOLMES, spoken] Another one about peace terms [FLETCHER, spoken] You could sell the three together [HOLMES, spoken] Then I could do another one Five Years of Peace [FLETCHER, spoken] And Ten Years of Peace [HOLMES, spoken] Fifteen— [FLETCHER, spoken] Twenty— [HOLMES, spoken] Twenty-five! [FLETCHER, spoken] Sold! [HOLMES, spoken] Costs a lot of money, war does What do you think we ought to have— A little war or a big one? [FLETCHER, spoken] Oh, well If it's only going to be a little one I'd rather let the whole thing drop [HOLMES, spoken] Runs into money [FLETCHER, spoken] Colonel Holmes— [HOLMES, spoken] Yes, sir? [FLETCHER, spoken] Suppose that some patriotic citizen came along Who was willing to help pay the cost of this war [HOLMES, spoken] Well, that'd help Then I could see the steel people, Y.M.C.A, all those folks They all oughta chip in Gives 'em a lot of advertising [FLETCHER, spoken] Colonel Holmes, I'll pay all the expenses of this war And give the government twenty-five percent of the profits [HOLMES, spoken] You mean that? [FLETCHER, spoken] On one condition [HOLMES, spoken] What's that? [FLETCHER, spoken] The was has got to be named after me [HOLMES, spoken] It's a go [FLETCHER, spoken] Right! [FLETCHER & HOLMES, spoken] To the Horace J. Fletcher Memorial War!